Decluttering Your Communication

In the same way that decluttering your house simplifies your life, decluttering your communication simplifies your message.  While cleaning out your closets makes room for the important things you need to store, cleaning out unnecessary words and phrases allows more focus on your most important points and infuses it with power.

What is the clutter of communication?  Weasel Words.  Weasel Words are a dead giveaway that you are nervous or unsure of yourself.  They devalue your leadership, curtail your effectiveness and destroy your credibility.  Weasel Words come in three forms.

1.  Unnecessary Words
When a person is nervious or unsure of what to say, they fill their conversation with unnecessary words like: “I’m gonna go ahead and,”  “kind of/kinda” and “sort of/sorta.”   This is done in an attempt to soften their language, appear less demanding or endear themselves to their listeners.  What it really does is zap the power and energy out of the speakers integrity, leadership ability and conviction.

I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.”  You kind of wanted to or you did want to?  ‘Cuz if you only kind of wanted to, I’ve got more important things to do right now.

2. Filler Words
Another nervous habit is to fill their conversation with nonwords that take up space and allow them time or the ability to keep control of the conversation until they can think of what else they wanted to say.  These non words include: uh, er, like and ya know.

I…uh…kind of…er…wanted to…like, ya know…talk to you…um…about that.”   That’s tellin’ ’em!

3. Vague Words and Phrases
The last type of Weasel Words are those that couch what you say such that nobody can accuse you of being wrong (or even saying much of anything).  If you’re afraid of being taken to the mat over a statistic, a quote or a truth, you will probably use words and phrases like: somewhat, most of the time, in most respects, I’ve heard, it’s been said, people/some say, it’s generally known, or it’s among the best.  The idea is to be as noncomittal as possible in order to cover all your statistical bases.

I think your child has somewhat of a problem with the truth.”  You mean he lies?

Filling your conversation with unnecessary and vague words and phrases doesn’t soften your message, it confuses it.  Adding filler words and vague phrases may allow you time to think, but it also allows your audience time to become frustrated.  Using Weasel Words doesn’t endear you to your audience, it only prolongs the time they have to form a weak opinion of you and the point you were trying to make.

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To learn more about how to do this and other communication topics, receive free gifts and exclusive offers, subscribe to our newsletter!  Subscribe now and get JoJo’s eBook, Communication Activities: Finding time to Communicate with Your Children in a Busy World.

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What is Communication?

Communication is a word you’ve probably heard since you were young, but I’ll bet you can’t define it.  Some people think communication is talking, conversation, making a speech or persuading someone of something.  Others think it’s manners, etiquette or social graces.

Merriam Webster defines communication as “an act or instance of transmitting,” “information transmitted or conveyed,” “a verbal or written message,” “exchange of information,” “personal rapport,” or their most comprehensive definition, “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.”

Wikipedia has one of the most complete definitions of communication I have ever seen:

Communication is the activity of conveying information. Communication has been derived from the Latin word “communis”, meaning to share. Communication requires a sender, a message, and an intended recipient, although the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender’s intent to communicate at the time of communication; thus communication can occur across vast distances in time and space. Communication requires that the communicating parties share an area of communicative commonality. The communication process is complete once the receiver has understood the message of the sender.

I know I was subtle by putting it in bold, purple letters, but didja catch that last part?  I’d go one step further.  Effective communication is complete when the receiver has understood the message of the sender, the way in which the sender had intended!

True communication, effective communication requires that the listener understands the sender’s message in the spirit it was intended or the message is skewed, misunderstood and the relationship between the sender and receiver has changed or is damaged in some way.

Everyone talks, but not everyone truly communicates.  Everyone gets a message across, but not everyone has the ability to relate his message so effectively that his listener understands his message as it was intended.   Anyone can lecture, but not everyone can truly teach, enlighten.  Manners will only get you so far in a relationship.  A speech will not endear you to your neighbor.  A presentation will not help you resolve a conflict with your brother.  Social graces will not persuade a nation to elect the right candidate.  Etiquette cannot help you share your faith.  And the communication skills required for each of these activities are different.

Everyone learns to talk.  Very few learn to communicate effectively.  It isn’t because it’s a set of skills only important for lawyers and politicians.  It’s because society fully understands when communication is done badly, but does not understand that the reason behind the conflicts, divorce, lost job opportunities, and failed businesses is most often an inability to effectively express the vision.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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A Discouraging Word

Home, home on the range….

Where the deer and the antelope play…

Where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day.

What is it about our home that makes it special?  It’s safe, secure and supportive…or it should be.  When  your home is filled with discouraging people (or your life is), it can be difficult to become rejuvenated, rested and ready to take on the day.  The rest of the world can be against you, but if those who are supposed to support us are negative, challenging and difficult, it can make life more stressful.

Do you have people in your life who are discouraging?  Do you have to deal with them on a daily basis?  There are several ways in which people can discourage us.

1. Not listening when we want to share good news

2. Not encouraging us to seek out a better life, situation, condition

3. Being negative or challenging every fact, word or concept that comes out of our mouths

4. Making it difficult to do what we need to especially during a difficult situation

5. Discouraging us from asking questions and, instead, making us feel dumb for asking

Sometimes other people aren’t the only ones in our lives with a discouraging word.  How can WE be discouraging to others?

1. Downplaying other people’s accomplishments

2. Pointing out how their ideas won’t/can’t work

3. Questioning every aspect of their plan before they have a chance to present it

4. Making them feel like they are swimming upstream when having a conversation with us

5. Shooting down their ideas before you’ve even heard them.

6. Not giving them the time of day to listen

“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” Colossians 4:6

How many times have we had a discouraging word for others and not even have noticed that we were making things difficult for them?  Were we just too busy with our own lives to listen to Jim when he shared what was troubling him?  Did we fail to take the time to build him up, support him?  Did we allow Angela to speak her mind before we shut the door on her because the first words out of her mouth didn’t sound interesting enough?  Did we brush off little Johnny because he couldn’t get the words out fast enough and we had better things to do?  Did we make only a minimal effort to show appreciation to Mrs. Jones for all her help with the church picnic?

Sometimes we simply don’t realize how our half-hearted “thank yous” and hurried “that’s nices” feel to the one on the receiving end of our harried communication unless we, ourselves, have been the recent victim of a discouraging word.  May we always remember the words of our Lord: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

 

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com
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NOTE: Stay tuned next week for part two on how to handle discouraging people more effectively!
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July is Cell phone Courtesy Month

July is Cell Phone Courtesy Month and Freedom from Fear of Speaking Month!  Wow!  What a month for communication stuff, eh?

In honor of these two most important celebrations (“communicationally” speaking), I’d like to remind everyone not to:

* Send text messages in the movie theater creating spectacles of light while others are trying to watch the movie.

* Have a conversation with Uncle Vinny about his gallstone surgery while at a fancy restaurant.

* Forget to check out Art of Eloquence.com for all the fun ways to learn to communicate effectively in almost any situation!

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When to be “Specifically General”

On Monday, I talked about the need to be specific, even oddly specific.  Today, I’d like to talk about when it’s necessary to be “specifically general.”  While being specific can help you avoid confusion and frustration, being general has the advantage of not ruffling feathers and allowing you not to discuss personal issues if you don’t want to.

1. Say you get a phone call from a distant relative asking you to fill her in on all the details of a personal family matter.  She is not directly involved and is just being nosy.  You don’t want to give her any details, but you feel trapped as she has you on the phone.  What do you do?  There is no law that says you have to answer every question you are asked!  You could simply tell her you don’t want to discuss it.  You could ignore her question and move on to a more neutral topic.  OR…you could be specifically general.  You could tell her that it’s going as well as can be expected.  You can, then, feel free to change the subject or tell her you were in the middle of something (whatever it was you were doing before she called) and you don’t have much time to talk.

2. Facebook may not be the place to discuss personal issues so when someone posts on your wall and asks you something rather personal, what do you do?  Again, just because someone asks you something doesn’t mean you have to answer.  You could delete the post if you think it might open up a can of worms you don’t want to deal with in a rather public forum like Facebook.  You could reply to the question on the phone or in a direct message to the person who asked.  Or you could post a reply that is specifically general.  If Sally comments that she loves your new sweater and asks how your business did last year, you can reply only to the first part of her comment.  “Thanks!  My dd got it for me for Christmas.”  and you could add, “We did well, thanks!”

3. Aunt Martha doesn’t believe in homeschooling.  She asks how your son did this week with math.  Normally, he does well, but last week he had a big problem understanding fractions.  Instead of opening up a can of worms giving her the details of little Johnny’s frustrating week with halves and eighths, you could just tell her, “He just finished studying fractions this week.”

4. When leading a meeting or teaching a homeschool child there can sometimes come an obscure question that takes your conversation off track.  Just because someone asks a question that might be a good topic of discussion, doesn’t mean now is the time to digress.   It’s not rude to say, “That’s a great question, but we really don’t have time to go into that right now.  Let’s discuss it tomorrow.”

As you can see, being specifically general has its advantages as does being oddly specific.  Each according to its purpose for the communication at hand.  Got any stories about being oddly specific or specifically general you’d like to share?

*SUBSCRIBE HERE*: for More Communication Fun, FREE Gifts and Exclusive Offers!

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Say What You Mean: Debating the Issues

How to Effectively Discuss Controversial Political Issues without Arguments

eBook Currently Available for Pre-Order

The political climate in the United States is volitile.  Most political discussions are heated, but they need not be.  If you are a Christian and find yourself on the typical Christian conservative view of each issue, but aren’t sure how to voice your concerns without ending up in a heated dicussion, this eBook is for you!

This is a study like NO OTHER!  Say What You Mean: Debating the Issues helps you understand the issues, but it also teaches you tips and techniques for presenting your Christian conservative viewpoints in a way that will be much more effective and friendly.

Many people think of discussing politics as a debate and, in a way, it is.  However, since most people don’t discuss politics in a formal debate setting, they find they aren’t as effective when they have a debate mentality.  Most people discuss political issues around a dinner table, on the internet or with a neighbor in the front yard.  This is where the grassroots political discussions take place.

eStudy includes:
* Background on each topic.
* General tips for discussing each issue.
* An At a Glance Chart with the major viewpoints on both sides of each issue.
* How to discuss each topic if you only have a few minutes.
* How to discuss each topic if you have more time.
* Embedded resource links where you can learn even more information on each topic.
* Practical advice to help you practice.

Say What You Mean: Debating the Issues will help teens and adults alike to prepare to discuss some of the nation’s most important political issues.  The other side is voicing their views.  It’s time for us to share the Christian conservative views.

We only have two more years until our next presidential election.  Become more informed on the issues.  Help yourself and your family become more comfortable and effective in sharing your Christian and conservative viewpoints.

Pre-Order Say What You Mean: Debating the Issues today and save!

Our special Pre-Order price of only $19.95 will only be for a limited time!  The eBook is currently in editing, but as soon as it is back from the editor and uploaded to order on the site, the price goes back up!

This is one of our most powerful studies at a time when respectful and effective discourse is sorely needed in our country.  Click here to view all the political topics included!

To Pre-Order, just order as usual. The pre-order discounted price is already preloaded for you!  In approximately two weeks you will receive your copy of Say What You Mean: Debating the Issues as an email attachment.

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You Might Be a Skimmer…

By JoJo Tabares

momAs so many of us scramble to make ends meet, we have become a nation of caffeine-addicted rushers.  We’re late!  We’re late!  For a very important date!  No time to say hello, goodbye.  We’re late!  We’re late!  We’re late!

A bunch of Alice in Wonderland White Rabbits, we race from one thing to the next and seldom slow down enough to really understand what’s going on around us.  We can’t.  We don’t have time!  As Willy Wonka stated, “I have so much time and so little to do!  Strike that.  Reverse it!”

With so little time and so much to do, we find ourselves becoming a nation of skimmers.  We skim through our emails and even our conversations.  We listen with our “To Do” List running through our brains and we miss half of what is said.  That gets us into some hot water when we either miss an important piece of information or Aunt Mildred’s upset because we were only pretending to listen to her.

So how do you know if you’ve become a skimmer?  How do you know when it’s gotten so bad and you are missing so much that your relationships are suffering?  Well, fortunately, I’ve developed a test.  Of course it’s written in my own comedic style…and, as Wonka also said, “A little nonsense now and then…”  Here are seven ways to tell if you’re a …SKIMMER!

1. If you have ever run into a friend on the street and, as she’s talking, you begin planning your dinner menu for the week and when you get to Thursday you realize you are nodding to NO ONE…you might be a skimmer.

2. If you have ever read an email three times for the first time…you might be a skimmer.

3. If you have ever had a conversation with someone who repeatedly says, “I just said that.”…you might be a skimmer.

4. If you have ever shown up to a party on the wrong date…you might be a skimmer.

5. If you have found yourself at a black tie affair dressed in blue jeans…you might be a skimmer.

6. If you have had a conversation with your mother about several emails she sent you and find only half of it even vaguely familiar…you might be a skimmer.

7. If you ever had a one-hour, in-depth conversation with someone after which you not only couldn’t remember who it was with, but what you talked about…you might be a skimmer.

Skimming can be dangerous to your information and your relationships.  Believe it or not, skimming actually costs you more time to do things over again than you saved by skimming in the first place.  Slow down, America!

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication.  Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker.  JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com.  Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike.  For more information, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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January's Mailbag Monday

I cannot believe it is the end of January already and time for Mailbag Monday here at Communication FUNdamentals.  This month we found MANY questions and comments in our mailbag–mostly feedback on all the changes we have had here at Art of Eloquence.com and the newsletter.

Say What You Mean Convention

1. Several of you asked how to register for the event and enter the drawings.  The sign up form is now on the home page.  This not only enters you in the six live drawings but allows you to receive What’s New at Art of Eloquence, our monthly newsletter with freebies, special offers and info JUST for our subscribers.

2. A few of you emailed asking about the events at the convention.  I have recorded a welcome audio you can access from the home page that will give you a quick overview of the site and events.  To see all of the events, times and descriptions, click on the Schedule of Events page. We also have an audio of our preview show with my guests Kim Kautzer from WriteShop and Cindy Rushton from Talk A Latte and Mom to Mom Radio who is one of our keynote speakers this year!

3. Many of you emailed in or posted on my Facebook page about how much you are looking forward to this year’s convention and how much fun you had last year.  Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.  Here are a few of the things folks had to say about the convention:

“Sign me up, please. Thanks. I CAN’T WAIT!!!! It sounds so good. I’M DYING to listen to the preview.” -BeckyJoie

“I ‘attended’ this convention last year and it was fantastic! Informative, professional and just plain fun! I highly recommend this to all home educators who desire to learn to communicate for Jesus’ glory =)” -Brenda

“I can’t wait for your audios. They are always outstanding.” -Susan

“Looking forward to the SWYM Convention once again!” -Christine

Newsletter Feedback:

1. So many of you emailed in about how much you like our new format.  Many of the comments we received were like this one:

“SWEET! Love the new format. . . especially ART OF ELEPHANTS.  ROFLOL” -Carla

2. We had another wonderful review this month.  This time by two homeschool moms who run a website and have written a book for homeschool group leaders.  Check it out here.

Then we had some really great questions about our communication studies.

1. Karen asked what the difference is between Say What You Mean: A Creative Speech Course and Say What You Mean For Teens.   In case you were wondering the same thing…

    Say What You Mean for Teens is a general communication study teaching basic communication skills and why communication is so important for every day life.  In week eight, the student begins preparing to give a speech he will deliver in week 18. The study takes him through this step by step in a fun and creative way while teaching him the skills he needs to deliver such a speech.

    Say What You Mean: A Creative Speech Course is a full speech course.  Each week your student will prepare for and give a speech on a different creative and fun topic alternating between impromptu and prepared speeches.  This is not your typical speech course where the students have to do a lot of research of the same old topics.  This study puts the emphasis on honing the skills needed to give a great speech while using fun topics such as Cats vs Dogs and 101 Uses of Duct Tape!

    2. Leslie asked when Say What You Mean for Preschoolers would be available again.  Well Leslie you are not alone!  I’ve had someone ask this question at least once a week since we took it down for revising.

      I am actually almost done revising the study as I type this.  It should be out this week!  Since I stopped my weekly podcast, I’ve been working hard on all our new studies you all said you wanted.  In fact, we will have a few more studies out shortly and some more following that.  We will be taking pre orders for some of them so watch our newsletter for details.  We will be offering our newsletter subscribers an opportunity to pre order at a lower rate so if you are not a subscriber, you’ll want to be soon!

      3. Roberto asked if Art of Eloquence had anything that would help him specifically with getting his point across in conversation.

        Well, we are just about to!  I am also currently working on my notes for a new study called Say What You Mean in Conversation and one called Say What You Mean: Persuasion and Public Speaking.  Either of these will help you a great deal.  Keep watch on the newsletter for details on how and when you can pre order these two!

        Thank you all for your fabulous questions and comments this month!  If you have a question or a comment for Art of Eloquence, send it to jojo@artofeloquence.com!

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        Communication Lessons from Shakespeare

        Communication Lessons from Shakespeare

        While going through my email files, I found the following quote:

        “Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.” ~William Shakespeare

        Shakespeare packs quite a lot into this one line and I thought it so profound that I wanted to disect it to get the full impact of what he is saying here.

        Shakespeare says that conversation should be pleasant without scurrility.  Scurrility is abusive language or a rude remark. This is quite unique today with the invention of electronic communication such as you are reading here.  More and more I see people who feel free or even justified to be rude just because they don’t have to look their victim in the eye as they do it.

        Next he says conversation should be witty without affectation. Affectation means a speech that is not natural for you.  It is natural to want to put your best foot forward when we present ourselves to others but it is important that we don’t change who God made us to fit that bill.  I’m a goofball.  It comes naturally.  I goof around with language when I write and speak.  It’s natural for me.  If I were to try to be some Serious Sally, you might feel like I was putting on airs.  In fact, I have a story to tell you about that.

        Way back when I first started writing communication studies, my husband was in charge of editing my work.  He doesn’t write the way I do.  He’s got a fabulous sense of humor, but he doesn’t write that way.  His style is more formal and polished.  After reading over his changes, I remember thinking it sounded like I swallowed a dictionary!  I took it back to him and said, “Lighten up, Francis!”  (from a line in a movie)

        God gave each of us a unique perspective.  Nobody wants to read what you think someone else would say.  They want to know what YOU think.

        Next Shakespeare says we should be free without indecency.  Free speech should not be so free that we compromise moral decency. Free speech has its consequences and one of them is that we have now become a society where anything goes, but very little is valuable.  It’s hard to draw that line in law, but most of us know when it’s been crossed.   Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

        For the past few weeks, I’ve been posting some fabulous videos of Christian comedians and I’ve noticed something.  It takes so much more talent and creativity to be funny without swearing and what results makes you laugh even more!

        Next he talks about being learned without conceitedness.  Conversation should strive to be intelligent discussion without putting on those airs.  Anne Morrow Lindbergh said “Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.”

        Do you have someone in your life that you dread talking to?  Someone who either never says anything new or someone who is always talking about himself so that you get bored with the conversation?  Do you have someone in your life you just LOVE talking to?  Maybe this person is an elderly relative who always has such rich and interesting stories to tell about life in the last century.  Conversation can be dull or it can have you hanging on every word.  It’s up the the individual to give something interesting of himself and there is a fine line between giving of himself and giving himself.

        Finally Shakespeare talks about being novel without falsehood.  This goes along the same lines as the previous segment.  There are those for whom boredom breaks out of his mouth because he never interjects a novel idea into the conversation.  Then there are those who spin wild tales just to wow their audience who is fully aware that almost none of this fantastic tale is actually true.

        I hope you enjoyed your Communication lessons from Shakespeare!  I now return you to your regularly scheduled era.

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        JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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