Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Don’t Shoot the Messenger
By JoJo Tabares

I see it time and time again-people frustrated with friends or family who “just don’t understand” them.  They ask why, but when they are told it’s because they weren’t clear or sounded harsh, they don’t want to hear that.  They want to hear that it’s the other person’s fault.  I’ve even had people send me a message asking, no, PLEADING with me to help them because they don’t understand why they are always misunderstood.  I tell them.  I share it in the most gracious way, but they don’t want to hear that they need to change.  They want the other person to have to change.

Remember the man who asked Jesus what he must do to be saved?  Jesus tells him to give up all he has and follow Him.  The man doesn’t want to hear that.  He walks away sadly.  I’m sure Jesus was sad too.

When we have a problem, we often tell a close friend.  We want that friend to say, “It’s okay.  The other person just isn’t listening.  They are the problem not you.”  We don’t want to admit that we could be PART of the problem or even CAUSING the problem.  We don’t want to hear that we need to change.  We don’t like change.  We just want things to change.

Well, I ‘m here to tell you the sad news.  Things will likely not change unless we do.  We have to change in order to make changes in our situation.  I wish I could tell you that there was some magic pill we could take that would change the world in such a way that we could remain the same and things all around us would change.  Our finances would be better, our health would improve…our friend would understand us.  Unfortunately, that’s not how things work.

Just like we cannot become healthy if we don’t change our eating or exercise habits, we cannot improve our relationships without making a change.  Relationships are all about communication and, if you are constantly being misunderstood, you need to face the fact that it might be, at least in part, something YOU need to change.

If you have had trouble getting your point across, if you have been told you are too harsh or too timid, if you have been misunderstood, if you have had conflicts with others, don’t wait for THEM to change!  Don’t shoot the messenger; change yourself!  If you don’t know how, Art of Eloquence can help.

 

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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#1 New Year’s Resolution Requires Effective Communication Skills!

Number ONE New Year’s Resolution: Spend More Time with Family & Friends

Recent polls conducted by General Nutrition Centers, Quicken, and others show that “more than 50% of Americans vow to appreciate loved ones and spend more time with family and friends this year.”  What’s the one skill we all need if we are going to spend more time with our friends and relatives?  It’s the very same skill needed to improve relationships: Communication!  Why?  Because you cannot even have a relationship with someone unless you communicate with them in some way.  As I wrote about in a recent article, relationships are all about communication and the potential for misunderstanding and misinterpretation leave a relationship vulnerable.

This year, resolve to learn to become a more effective communicator!  Don’t wait until you and a loved one have a conflict that ruins your relationship.  Hurt feelings can be overcome, but sometimes it goes beyond hurt feelings and the relationship may not be easily repaired.

Relationships with friends and family are too precious to leave up to chance.  Prepare now to be an effective communicator in 2012 and give your relationships the strength that nothing else can!  Check out all the free lessons, articles and information on http://www.ArtofEloquence.com and don’t forget to sign up for our bi-monthly newsletter for your free gift, Communication Activities: Finding Time to Talk to Your Children in a Busy World! 

Much success in 2012!  Let us know how Art of Eloquence can help!

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Word of the Week: sesquipedalian

sesquipedalian \ses-kwuh-puh-DAYL-yuhn\

(adjective) – 1 : Given to or characterized by the use of long words. 2 : Long and ponderous; having many syllables.

(noun) – A long word.

“Because my father was a professor, I early picked up a sesquipedalian way of speaking.” — Damon Knight, ‘A Science Fiction Argosy’

Sesquipedalian comes from Latin sesquipedalis, “a foot and a half long, hence inordinately long,” from sesqui, “one half more, half as much again” + pes, ped-, “a foot.”

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Is it always desirable to use large, complicated, obscure or technical terms?  While having a large vocabulary is important for good communication, it isn’t always effective to use.  Here are a list of circumstances in which it is NOT effective to use your extensive vocabulary:

1. With small children

This is an obvious one.  Everyone knows it’s best to simplify their language when speaking with small children.  But what we often forget is why and how that might be a good rule of thumb to use with adults in other situations.  Why don’t we use big words with small kids?  Because they don’t understand them.  They don’t know the meanings of those words.  Well, as we will see in the next few situations, many adults don’t know the meanings of the technical, cultural or regional terms we use either.

2. Using technical terms with non technical people

A doctor may use the term “acute myocardial infarction” with his colleagues, but probably should use the term “heart attack” with most of his patients. Can you imagine going to the doctor and hearing him diagnose you with “sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia?”  I don’t know about you, but that sounds rather scary!  Know what it is?  That’s the nerve pain of the sphenopalatine ganglion,” a form of brief cranial pain or headache commonly associated with consumption of cold beverages or foods such as ice cream.  In other words, brain freeze.  Don’t you feel better now?

3. Using insider terms with those outside

“My peeps!  Check it.  Going solo to the partay.  Meet ups late @ The Hang.  Kbers.”  Some terms are adopted slang that every teens becomes familiar with.  Others are regional or even between a small group of friends.  Using these terms with outsiders leaves the outsiders feeling like, well…outsiders!  Mary just moved here from a farm in Iowa.  She’s got no idea where The Hang is.  It’s just what these seven friends call Millie’s Diner on 7th Street because they always meet there.

4. When it will make you come across as pompus

“May I endeavor to determine the origin of your denim trousers?”  Nuff said!

5. When the technically correct or accurate word isn’t widely used or known in that circumstance

Sometimes there is a more obscure word we know that would best fit the message we want to convey.   Other times there may be a word that is not currently used in the correct way.  However, if we use it, we risk being seen as pompus or misunderstood.  Communication is not as much about the correct use of words as it is the way in which our audience will best understand our intended meaning.

A large vocabulary is a tool.  While you wouldn’t use a sledge hammer to do the work where a chisle will do, it isn’t advisable to use words that are equally overkill.  Each situation calls for a delicate balance of simplicity and precision.  Knowing which words to use is a skill you develop as you grow your vocabulary and hone your listening and observation skills.  Relating to your audience is key to communicating effectively with them.  How you do that will vary from person to person and from situation to situation.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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November’s Communication Make Over

By JoJo Tabares

We’ve all gotten them.  Those cryptic emails that we can’t make heads or tails of.  You think…”Whoever sent this, must be
trying to tell me something, but for the life of me, I cannot decipher what it could possibly be!”

Email is a deceptively difficult communication skill to master.  Devoid of much of what makes up face-to-face communication (inflection, eye contact, body language, intonation and real-time interaction), an email can be misunderstood faster than you can say…”Hey what’d she mean by THAT?”

Many people don’t fully understand the impact their email can have on their reader and so they neglect to give it the attention it needs in order to produce the desired impression upon its recipient.

This month’s Communication Make Over will cover common mistakes in email communication.  Let’s take a look at Connie Confusing’s email she sent to all her friends.

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From: ConnieConfusing @
someisp.com

To: Connie’s Email List of Friends
Subject: my dauter

i have a question those of you with parents living please tell me how you take care of them my dd is doing a project and she needs research i know there are some of yu and we want to get some fedback if you can tell what caused parents to live with you how long they have live with you and if you have had any problems we could really appreciate it very much because we need about 50 families to give us some input for her projet so that the results will be a fair sampling i would appreciate as many of you who can reply as possible because this is a very important projt for her she is so happy with this course and this is the first time she have really gotten into a subject like this so i want to make sure she gets good response thanks

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As you can see, Connie’s email is very difficult to read which obscures the message she is sending and makes it difficult for her friends to give it proper attention, much less a helpful response.  Why?  For starters Connie has used:

* No punctuation, capital letters or paragraphs making it extremely difficult to read, especially on a computer screen.

* Poor spelling requiring some double takes and a bit of clairvoyance on her friends’ part.

Let’s see how much easier Connie’s email is to read after just adding the proper punctuation and spelling.

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From: ConnieConfusing @ someisp.com

To: Connie’s Email List of Friends
Subject: my daughter

I have a question those of you with parents living.  Please tell me how you take care of them.  My dd is doing a project and she needs research.  I know there are some of you and we want to get some feedback.   If you can tell what caused parents to live with you, how long they have lived with you, and if you have had any problems, we would really appreciate it very much because we need about 50 families to give us some input for her project so that the results will be a fair sampling.

I would appreciate as many of you who can reply as possible because this is a very important project for her.   She is so happy with this course and this is the first time she has really gotten into a subject like this so I want to make sure she gets good response.  Thanks.

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Additionally, the email is a jumble of thoughts some repeating themselves and others incomplete.  Let’s see how much more effective Connie’s email is when we reword her thoughts to present a more coherant and succint idea.

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From: ConnieConfusing @ someisp.com

To: Connie’s Email List of Friends
Subject: Can you help my daughter with her school project?

My dd is doing a project for school and she needs some help with her research.  If you have ever had your parents living with you, would you mind sharing a bit about it?  She’s looking for what caused your parents to live with you, how long they lived with you, and if you have had any problems.   She needs 50 families to make it a fair sampling so we would appreciate it if all of you who have had that experience would email a short note about it.

This is the first time she has really gotten into a subject like this and it would help a great deal if she could get big response.  Thanks very much.

Connie Confusing

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Notice how the change of headline really helps to make it clear what Connie is talking about.   The next paragraph gets right to the point and then shares all of the details needed for Connie’s friends to comply.  Notice, too, how it says that her daughter only needs a short reply.  This is helpful for some of Connie’s friends who are very busy.  Further, it pulls at the heart strings when Connie reveals how excited her daughter is about this and how this is the first time she’s been excited about a subject in school.

This is a much more effective email for Connie and her daugthter and a much less confusing and time consuming email to read and reply to for her friends.

I’ll be back next month with another edition of Communication Make Over!  Until then…

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Occupy Wall Street: Effective Use of Freedom of Speech?

Occupy Wall Street:  Effective Use of Freedom of Speech?
By JoJo Tabares

I have to admit that, for the longest time, I really didn’t understand this movement.  I remember when it first came to my attention, I began searching the internet to see what they were about.  The media equated them with the Tea Party, others  denounced them as an unruly mob, but I couldn’t seem to get a handle on what they believed or their mission.  Never one to report on an issue I simply didn’t understand or take one man’s opinion as Gospel, I simply didn’t comment.

After some research and watching the effect on the cities they occupy, I have come to a number of conclusions I’d like to share at this time.  In point of fact, the Occupy Wall Street movement can teach us a great deal about the nature and effectiveness of communication.

1. Occupy Wall Street Has No Clear Purpose

One of the reasons I had such a difficult time understanding this movement is because they do not have a clear discernible purpose or underlying beliefs.  Looking through their website and listening to the protesters, the only purpose I can glean is that they wish to shut down Wall Street.  They don’t like big business, but there is no reasoning behind it, underlying beliefs or plan for the future.  They mostly complain that big business has everything and they have nothing.  They seem an increasingly large mob who lacks focus and, although the website declares it a peaceful demonstration, is increasingly violent.  In fact, their own logo depicts three tanks.

2. Compare and contrast with Tea Party

Both claim to be a grass roots movement formed as a result of poor economic times.  However the similarity seems to end there.  I, frankly, didn’t see the resemblance to the Tea Party who call themselves Patriots, depict a peaceful, organized and patriotic red, white and powder blue website. The Tea Party beliefs are clear. The website (and signs by those attending the events) states that they support “fiscal responsibility, constitutionally limited government, and free market economic policies.”  In addition, the Tea Party events have been non violent.

3. Freedom of Speech isn’t a license for violence

There is a huge difference between our constitutional right to peaceably assemble in order to exercise our freedom to speak against the government and a license to commit violence.  The constitution guarantees us the right to speak out, not the right to destroy, and not the right to be agreed with or even the right to be taken seriously!  And it is difficult to take seriously the speech of a group of people who are violent.  So, not only do they not have a clear purpose and plan, but they are hurting their own cause by acting in a violent manner.

4.Contrast with Martin Luther King Jr’s non violent civil disobedience

Many have equated the Occupy Wall Street movement with the civil disobedience of the 60s under Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  I cannot disagree more! Dr King’s events were peaceful and within the rule of law.  His speech was about peace and unity.  He had a clear purpose and a high moral standard.

5. Contradictory Messages

One of the things that detracts from effective communication is a contradictory message.  It’s hard to be taken seriously if you send a mixed message.  If you say you are a Christian, but do not follow the Bible, if you advocate peace at all costs and then attack your neighbor for disagreeing with you, you destroy the strength of your argument.  The Occupy Wall Street protesters do similar things.  Their website says society could get along without big business, yet they are seen using and wearing products that these businesses provide.  They don’t advocate violence yet these events are quite violent.  Here’s a quote from one of the articles I read, “One protester says it’s worth getting beat and arrested for justice, peace and freedom.”  They blame big banks for their influence over politicians and govt, but they don’t call out the current administration for it.

Freedom of Speech is guaranteed under the first amendment of the constitution, but nowhere in that amendment does it guarantee you will be heard or have your ideas accepted.  In order for that to happen, your communication needs to be effective.   In order for your message to be effective, it needs a clear purpose and plan.  Further, it needs to work within the legal and moral system of society or it is simply intimidation and violence.  Lastly, it needs to be free of contradictory messages that weaken it’s effectiveness.

This month is Thanksgiving and we should be thankful for our system of government that allows us freedom of speech, but with that freedom goes responsibility and the rule of law.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer.  Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula.  You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com.  For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

 

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Birthday Bash: 5:30pm-Beauty For Ashes/Classical Astronomy/My 31/Grapevine Studies

Unfortunately some of our sponsors for the Birthday Bash couldn’t be here to post on the Art of Eloquence Facebook fan page today.  Instead, I am going to be posting about their prizes for them this half hour.  Here is what they are offering as a prize for this half hour’s contest:

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From Beauty For Ashes:

AMETHYST PURPLE AB CROSS NECKLACE AUSTRIAN CRYSTAL

This gorgeous cross pendant shows Austrian crystals in pale amethyst, dark amethyst on the outskirts, with lavender aurora borealis crystals near the center. Cross measures 2 1/4″ x 1 1/2″ including the bale. Snake chain is 16.5″ plus a 3.5″ extension in Silvertone Rhodium! These crystals look different in different lighting.

Congratulations to our Winnner: Barbara!

 

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From Classical Astronomy:

Moonfinder: A storybook for the whole family!  Moonfinder is the story of a little boy who learns about the phases of the moon with his dad. Each page includes a full-color illustration depicting the location and appearance in the sky of the moon at each phase, along with “celestial” views showing the corresponding position of the moon in it’s orbit around the earth. With Moonfinder, every member of the family can learn how to follow the monthly cycle of the moon’s phases!

Congratulations to our Winner: Stephanie White!

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From My Thirty One.com:

$25 Gift Certificate good towards anything in the Fall Catalog.

The name Thirty-One comes from the verses of Proverbs 31.  Stylish, affordable products are exclusive to Thirty-One. From our signature purses and totes to storage solutions that help organize your life, you’ll find something to fit every personality and situation. Each season, we develop new products built on the idea that our products must be functional AND fashionable.

Congratulations to our winner: Bobbi!

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From Grapevine Studies:

Birth of Jesus Teacher and Student Set.  Saddle up your donkey and take an unforgettable journey back in time to discover the amazing events that surrounded the Nativity. Children will go to Nazareth and study Gabriel’s announcement to Mary and then travel with Jesus, Mary, and Joseph from Bethlehem, to Egypt and finally back to Nazareth. This hands-on children’s Bible study uses interactive lessons that children love. Bible teachers will appreciate this engaging way of teaching the birth of Jesus. This familiar nativity story will never be the same for your students after they have stick figured it! Your choice of Beginner (Ages 5-7) or Multi-Level (Ages 7 and up) in either physical books or ebook format.

Congratulations to our winner: Alice Ross!

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To win these prizes, you will need to post a comment to this blog post answering this question:  Name two things you can learn about Foot in Mouth Man you read the Misadventures of Foot in Mouth Man on the Art of Eloquence website!  You may share about his life, his video, audio or some of the adventures that are posted on his page.

We’ll be picking 4 winners (one for each prize) from among the correct answers and contacting you via email so make sure you leave your email address on your comment post.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for another chance to win a Birthday Bash prize from Art of Eloquence!  And you might want to subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss a contest today!

(DISCLAIMER: Communication FUNdamentals, our blog, normally only posts three times a week (MWF) but today we are having a new post/contest each half hour of the Birthday Bash.)

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Birthday Bash: 5pm-LightHome Publications

James Dunlap from LightHome Publicationswill be sharing on the Art of Eloquence Facebook fan page this Birthday Bash half hour.  Here is what she is offering as a prize for this half hour’s contest:

From LightHome Publications:

Subscription to Artistic Nature Magazine

Packed with pictures in color, coloring pages, and all kinds of interesting facts about nature, along with multiple art activities with instructions in each and every issue. This colorful quarterly magazine for home­schoolers covers Nature, Art, Bible, and other school subjects in a fun and interesting way.  Each issue has a special nature topic that the whole issue revolves around, making each issue suitable for a unit study that you can use at any time!  This is a multi-level magazine that is geared to the goals and needs of multi-level home­schooling, with different features that will be enjoyed by different ages, 8 to 15. (Some children who are younger than 8 or older than 15 will also enjoy the magazine, but the writing and art instruction are mainly geared for ages 8-15.).

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To win this prize, you will need to post a comment to this blog post answering this question:  Name two of your favorite Art of Eloquence studies listed on our Elementary page!

We’ll be picking a winner from among the correct answers and contacting you via email so make sure you leave your email address on your comment post.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for another chance to win a Birthday Bash prize from Art of Eloquence!  And you might want to subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss a contest today!

(DISCLAIMER: Communication FUNdamentals, our blog, normally only posts three times a week (MWF) but today we are having a new post/contest each half hour of the Birthday Bash.)

Congratulations to our Winner: Terri G!

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Birthday Bash: 4:30pm-Linda Alexander

Linda Alexander will be sharing on the Art of Eloquence Facebook fan page this Birthday Bash half hour.  Here is what she is offering as a prize for this half hour’s contest:

The UNPromised Land

Because of their faith in Yeshua:

  • They were betrayed by their family
  • Rejected by Israeli Immigration
  • Tormented by unending court trials
  • Reported on by major international news media
    (Time, Newsweek, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post)

Gary and Shirley Beresford never wanted to be heroes. A middle-aged Messianic Jewish couple from South Africa, they felt God calling them to live in Israel, the Promised Land. Wanting nothing more than to live quietly and grow old together in the country of refuge for all Jewish people, little did they suspect what events would follow to try their faith.

To win this prize, you will need to post a comment to this blog post answering this question:  Name an Art of Eloquence study or package listed on our Faith page!  For an extra chance to win, name one of the issues listed under Did You Ever Feel Like This?

We’ll be picking a winner from among the correct answers and contacting you via email so make sure you leave your email address on your comment post.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for another chance to win a Birthday Bash prize from Art of Eloquence!  And you might want to subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss a contest today!

(DISCLAIMER: Communication FUNdamentals, our blog, normally only posts three times a week (MWF) but today we are having a new post/contest each half hour of the Birthday Bash.)

Congratulations to our winner: Meghan!

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Birthday Bash: 4pm-Gilded Gears Jewelry

From Gilded Gears Jewelry

Our goal is to create fun, wearable Clockwork-style Victorian jewelry, at an affordable price. Each piece of jewelry we make is unique and handcrafted, often incorporating vintage watches, clock parts, and re-purposed jewelry. This pendant measures approximately 3″ long by 1 1/2″ across, including the bale and rose charm. It comes on your choice of an 18″ satin necklace (shown in the picture, comes in either white or black), or adjustable 19-22″ brown suede necklace. (Value: $25.00)

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To win this prize, you will need to post a comment to this blog post answering this question:  Name two of your favorite communication quotes (not scriptures) listed on our Scriptures and Quotes page!  Add any quotes about communication that we might not have on our page for an extra chance to win this prize!

We’ll be picking a winner from among the correct answers and contacting you via email so make sure you leave your email address on your comment post.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for another chance to win a Birthday Bash prize from Art of Eloquence!  And you might want to subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss a contest today!

(DISCLAIMER: Communication FUNdamentals, our blog, normally only posts three times a week (MWF) but today we are having a new post/contest each half hour of the Birthday Bash.)

Congratulations to our winner: kelsey keyer!

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Birthday Bash: 2:30pm-Admin Services

Gazelle Simmons from Admin Services will be sharing on the Art of Eloquence Facebook fan page this Birthday Bash half hour.  Here is what she is offering as a prize for this half hour’s contest:

3 Hours of Virtual Assistance (A $72 Value!)  Services to choose from include social media navigation, data entry, presentations and reports, word processing, database management, editing and proofreading services, mass mailings and thesis and manuscript processing!

To win this prize, you will need to post a comment to this blog post answering this question:  What does JoJoism #97 mean for your business? It’s  listed on our Business Communication page.

We’ll be picking a winner from among the correct answers and contacting you via email so make sure you leave your email address on your comment post.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for another chance to win a Birthday Bash prize from Art of Eloquence!  And you might want to subscribe to the blog RSS feed so you don’t miss a contest today!

(DISCLAIMER: Communication FUNdamentals, our blog, normally only posts three times a week (MWF) but today we are having a new post/contest each half hour of the Birthday Bash.)

Congratulations to our winner: Joan!

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