Communication Articles

How do you know you’re doing a good job?

November 22, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

At this time of year, along with our focus on turkey and stuffing, football and family; we also focus on giving thanks to God for all our blessings. It’s very important to focus on being thankful to God for what He has provided in our lives as every good and precious thing comes from Him. As a teacher of communication skills, I have often shared how we should also show appreciation to the people in our lives-our family and friends who mean so much and do so much to enrich our lives. What I haven’t focused on, as yet, is how we know when what we are doing is appreciated by others. Here’s what I mean.

Folks are busy making ends meet these days. It’s a rarity when someone takes the time to dash off a note or email to someone. People just don’t have the time to write a note of encouragement or appreciation, but they will take that time if it means they might get their new computer monitor fixed under warranty or if they are unsatisfied with the job their vacuum cleaner is doing. I’ve known people who wore a dress for six years and took it back to the store because they felt it should have been in better condition after only six years of washing.

If nine times out of ten, folks will not write a note of appreciation, then nine times out of ten you may have absolutely no idea if what you are doing is appreciated-if you’ve done a good job. How do we know when we are doing a good job unless someone tells us so? How do we know if we should continue? How do we discern if we are on the right track?

1. No feedback

Often the absence of negative feedback indicates that we are doing well! Since folks don’t take the time to send feedback unless it’s negative, you’re probably in the clear! They probably wouldn’t send an email unless it’s a nasty gram or make a phone call unless it’s to complain. So, if you don’t get any complaints, you might assume you’re doing well!

2. God tells you

Even though you may not get an “At-A-Boy” (or girl) from someone, you just feel God telling you He is pleased with you. Sometimes you just know you are following His path for your life. If you are following where God leads, how could you be doing a bad job?

3. A smile

Occasionally, you might detect a smile. Have you caught someone smiling at you? Did their voice smile when you talked to them about something you’re doing? Did their eyes smile? Did you read an email that sounded as if it was smiling at you? That’s probably telling you, you are appreciated.

4. Been attacked lately?

I know this sounds crazy, but if you are in God’s Will, you run the risk of being attacked for it. Often this feels as if you are getting beat up. Getting verbally beat up doesn’t leave you feeling like you are doing a good job! However, if what you are doing is directly in His Will, you are going to meet with resistance. This may mean you are doing exceedingly well.

If you feel better about the job you’re doing, even if nobody said thank you, I am truly thankful to have been able to help you discern that. If there is someone you know who isn’t sure they are appreciated, send them this blog link! And if there is someone who was especially a blessing to you that you forgot to thank this year, you might make it easier on them and share that with them this Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving from Art of Eloquence!

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Filed Under: Ask JoJo, Communication Articles Tagged With: appreciated, feedback, God, God's Will, good job, resistance

Ten Terrific Tips for a Less Trying Tongue

November 17, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

“Be not careless in deeds, nor confused in words, nor rambling in thought.” -Marcus Aelius Aurelius

When we communicate in a confusing way we create uncertainty, hesitation, misunderstanding and offense. What follows can be hurt feelings, anger and even a dissolution of relationships. However, being more clear and precise in our speech just takes a little training. Here are just a few very simple tips for speaking more clearly. In other words…Ten Terrific Tips for a less Trying Tongue.

1. Put Yourself in Your Audience’s Shoes

Trust me. They won’t mind sharing! Think about the people to whom you are speaking. What would they expect? What might they already know about what you are about to share? What might they need explained? What examples would be appropriate, fun, expected, offensive, confusing?

2. Understand their Knowledge of the Topic

Mind reading is an admirable skill, but it doesn’t take magic. God gives us powers of discernment in order that we use them to help us identify and relate to others. If you know that Uncle Mortimer doesn’t have a background in computers, you might anticipate that he’d need a wee bit more explanation when you advise him of how to program his Outlook Calendar.

3. Anticipate Questions they Might Have

If Uncle Mortimer doesn’t have a great deal of knowledge about computers, he might not even know what questions he should ask in order for you to help him with his Outlook Calendar. Since you understand how Outlook works, it would be helpful to Uncle Mortimer (and less time consuming for the conversation) if you anticipated what questions he might have as you instruct him.

4. Splain

For those of you not familiar with Ricky Ricardo, that translates “Explain.” You may need to explain things you never thought you’d need to depending upon the person(s) you are speaking with and their familiarity with the topic. Sometimes a simple background before you begin will clear things up immensely.

5. Be brief

When things are complicated, it’s best to be as brief as possible to avoid overwhelming your audience with too much information. Too much information on a topic someone is completely unfamiliar with can cause confusion even if you explain it well.

6. Don’t Use Technical Terms

One of the fastest ways to confuse someone who has no background in a topic is to use jargon and technical terms. While you may need to educate him on a term here and there in order to get Uncle Mortimer to find the link you’re talking about, don’t confuse him with additional technical terms that would be more clear if stated using a word he is already familiar with.

7. Don’t Mumble

I’m sure your mother always told you this, but it bears repeating. As the use of technology has grown into a way of communication life, we have gotten away from what our mothers always told us. We get lazy and forget to speak clearly. While mumbling may not adversely affect your in-person conversations about the latest movie release, it could be a source of frustration when talking with Uncle Mortimer who’s having a hard enough time following where to click.

8. E NUN CI ATE

Especially if you find yourself on the phone, but even in person it’s best to enunciate your words in order to avoid “frustratin the begeebers outta yur uncle o’s havin a hard ‘nough time jus tryin a follow along.”

9. Don’tSpeakSoQuicklyThatYourWordsAllRunTogether

And while you’re at it, try not to “smashallyourwordstogether.” And for the love of clarity don’t combine 8 and 9! “YullbefrustratinUncleMortys’muche’llavacow.”

10. Remain Calm

The most important way to be clear is to remain calm and go with the flow. Some get so frustrated when someone doesn’t understand them that they begin to frustrate and confuse the other party even more. Give grace and allow for human error as you go through your conversations. You’ll probably find a simple way to make yourself understood in no time.

Well, there you have it. Ten Terrific Tips for a Less Trying Tongue in order that you don’t Trip the Tongue Fantastic. Tune in next time when you’ll have more communication fun than tongue can tell.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication. Her Christian and humorous approach to communication skills has made her a sought after speaker. JoJo’s articles have appeared in various homeschool magazines and websites such as Dr. Laura.com. Her Say What You Mean curricula is endorsed by The Old Schoolhouse Magazine and her eBook, Say What You Mean When You’re in Business, has been used by direct sales leaders and small business owners alike. For more information, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: anticipate, brief, clear, communication, Communication tips, confusion, enunciate, explanation, mumble, questions, technical terms, tips, tongue

What kind of confusion is most frustrating to YOU?

November 15, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

When communication is confusing, it becomes a frustrating task to engage in. Now…some things are more frustrating for some than for others. I get all discombobulated if someone gives me unclear directions. I can’t tell which way is north and I can’t figure out how one area fits in right next to another. I usually tell people that I was born without the direction gene and get lost backing out of my own driveway. Give me a set of directions where you don’t make it clear that I shouldn’t mistake Porcupine Street for Porcupine Lane and you might as well tell me to pack a lunch, because I’m going to be a while!

Now my husband is, as they say, a whole ‘nuther story! That man can figure out how to get from Los Angeles to England without crossing the ocean! He’s been known to find Needles, California in a haystack. He knows when Map Quest doesn’t know what it’s talking about! While I can drive some place sixteen times and still need the directions, my husband remembers it forever if he’s been there ONCE! Where I can get lost because I’ve traveled there in the dark for the first time (even though It’s only down the street from my house), my husband can find Mrs. Mason’s mobile home parked in a forest obscured by ten thousand oak trees at midnight!

Now send me mixed signals in a conversation and I’ll follow you til the cows come home! My mom and I will have a three hour discussion where my dad is confused because she didn’t mention something that connects what she was talking about with what she’s talking about now. He’s often surprised at how I’m still following her. I know where she’s going with the conversation so I don’t need all the little transitions or details. Neither does she. We get each other.

However, skip one teeny tiny detail when you’re trying to tell me how to download something on my computer, and I’m completely lost. Watch and learn how one small and clueless human being can singlehandedly, and in one click of a mouse, reduce a brand new computer to a quivering pile of microchips! I’m that talented, folks!

The frustration that comes from technology and getting lost for me is right up there with torture. Forget the rack and thumbscrews, this is it! I may be a bit uneasy when you talk circles around me in a conversation, but you won’t need to call the little men in white coats. I’ll ask some clarifying questions, and we’ll have some fun laughing about how we got through the conversation, but my sanity will arrive unscathed! But put me in my own backyard at night, spin me around three times and watch as a lunatic is born!

Knowing what frustrates the begeebers outta someone (like yourself) is a good insight into confusion you may cause others as you communicate. We should always seek to speak clearly so as to avoid any confusion and the frustration of insanity it can bring.

What confusing things are most frustrating to you? Street signs? Texting emails? A three year old’s explanation? A politician’s explanation? Directions for putting Slot A into Flap B? (or maybe that should be the other way around?) How can they remind you to be more clear? How can they help you to be more patient and understanding with others? How can you use your own frustrating experiences to help you avoid creating them in others?

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Filed Under: Ask JoJo, Communication Articles Tagged With: confusion, directions, England, frustrating, frustration, Los Angeles, unclear directions

Perceptions: What is spam to you?

November 8, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

Last week I received a message from someone on one of my social networking sites. It sparked a candid conversation that got me thinking about perceptions. The message came from someone I didn’t know who was not connected with me on this networking site. There was no note of introduction, nor was she trying to befriend me or connect with me on this site. Her message was an ad for her product. Now, I have had people send me things like this before. I usually send them a polite reply advising them to be careful because people get upset about spam and the networking sites have a link in place for people to click if they feel you have spammed them. Some number of clicks on that spam button and you could be banned from that networking site.

The conversation that ensued revealed that her perception and that of most people I know were quite different. She didn’t see her message as spam. She thought of it as sharing information that others could use. While I agreed that her product was interesting and needed, I felt most people would see that as spam.

Merriam Webster defines spam as, “unsolicited usually commercial email sent to a large number of addresses.”

Aweber, the service I use for my newsletters, is very strict in its adherence to the spam laws. They tell me that spam is when you send any email to someone who didn’t sign up for it. Further, they don’t allow a mailing to go out without a link where the person can unsubscribe. So even if my newsletter doesn’t ask for a sale, it is considered spam if I send it to someone who didn’t double opt in. In addition, Aweber monitors the amount of people who click the spam button on each mailing. Depending upon the amount of people my mailing goes to, there is a percentage limit to the number of people who report my mailing as spam. Too many, and Aweber can cancel my account.

Every single newsletter shows at least one person who reports my mailing as spam. At first I called Aweber panicked about the consequences. They explained that some people forget they signed up for your newsletter or want to unsub, but find it easier to click the spam link than to click through to the unsubscribe page and unsubscribe. That is why they do allow a certain percentage to report you as spam before they take any drastic action.

So there is a difference in perception as to what constitutes spam. Merriam Webster says spam is only a mass mailing of a commercial email. Aweber says it’s when someone didn’t opt in and/or you don’t provide an easy opt out. Some of my subscribers think it’s when they don’t recognize the mailing or when they simply don’t want it anymore. The gal who sent me this message thought spam was something entirely different.

Spam is a pet peeve of many. It’s a communication faux paz. It’s a way you can get yourself banned from Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites like LinkedIn. But spam is also subject to perceptions.

Here are some more subtle examples. Do you consider them spam?

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1. An email from someone you know on your Yahoo group asking you to check out their vitamin website in reply to your post that said you were sick.

2. A Twitter auto reply that thanks you for following them and asks you to visit their website.

3. A phone call from a really good friend who just went into business asking you to buy from them.

4. A Facebook friend who only posts when they have something to sell.

5. A Twitter follower who only replies to you when they can talk about something they sell.

Would you click the spam link on them? Have you reported someone on a social networking site for spam?

Not everyone sees spam the same way. It’s not only important to follow the letter of the spam laws, but to understand that it isn’t our definition of spam that ultimately counts. It’s the definition of those we contact because they are the ones who hold the finger over the spam button.

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: aweber, facebook Twitter, Newsletter, spam, spam button

Nostalgia Week: Ten Quick Rules for Disagreeing in Grace

October 25, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

It’s Nostalgia Week here on Communication FUNdamentals. Art of Eloquence will be eight years old in just a few days. Looking back at how I started out, I began reminiscing about the “Good Old Days.”

Remember when manners were in style? When parents taught us that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, we shouldn’t say anything at all? Remember when saying “please” and “thank you” was not just nice, but customary? Remember when strangers were kind and we could…disagree in grace?

10 Quick Rules for Disagreeing in Grace
By JoJo Tabares

So how should we object? What’s the best way to disagree? How can we voice our opposition when someone presents us with something that goes against what we believe? How can we discuss and share instead of antagonize and frustrate? How? Just the way you would wish someone else would disagree with YOU!

Here are 10 quick rules for disagreeing so that it will open a door to discussion instead of slamming it shut on your relationship:

1. Don’t Accuse
Instead of coming out and saying someone is wrong, just share what you know. Nobody wants to hear they are wrong and if they hear it, they are likely not listening to anything else you say. They may indeed be wrong, but you need to ask yourself if you want to be right or if you want to be heard!

2. Listening Without Interrupting
It doesn’t look like you are anxious to share your views if you interrupt. To them, it feels like you aren’t giving due attention to their arguments. If you are not willing to listen to others, they will not be willing to listen to you!

3. Be Calm
The best way to share your views with anyone is in a calm and rational manner. The more passionate you are about a topic, the harder that will be. When you give a speech, being passionate about it is beneficial, but when you are trying to change someone’s mind or heart, it is a deterrent. Nobody wants to be forced into accepting something. They want to come to their own conclusions after hearing all the facts.

4. Don’t Condemn the Person; Question the Issues
Remember always that the Lord loves His children. It’s the sin He hates. Keep in mind that people are not machines. We don’t switch our sin on and off. Ask questions. Share. Condemn the action if you must, but never condemn the person that Jesus loves!

5. Give new Christians a Chance
Before I ever came to accept Jesus, I didn’t know His Word. I cannot accept what I do not know. I had to spend time reading the Bible before I could grow in my faith. As I grew closer to the Lord, the more I wanted to live my life for Him. I didn’t start off witnessing. It wasn’t until later that I decided not to participate in things like Santa and the Easter Bunny. Be sure not to stumble a fairly new Christian because he is not yet ready or willing to make a change.

6. Address their Concerns
If they ask you a question, by all means answer! Sometimes people may not come out and ask but you can tell they have a concern by their body language or their facial expression. If they object, by all means address it. Calmly share what you know about their concerns.

7. Say “I Dunno”
When you don’t know the answer someone needs, the most intelligent thing to say is “I dunno.” The quickest way to lose credibility with someone is to speak too quickly. If someone asks you something about the Bible and you can’t remember where the scripture is, tell them you will find it for them. You don’t need to have all of the Bible memorized and categorized in your head to share the Gospel. People appreciate honesty!

8. Let it Go
In order to avoid an argument, when they are no longer listening, stop talking! As soon as someone is giving off signals that they are not accepting your views, it’s usually best not to press the issue and begin an argument. Remember that the Lord may use you simply to plant a seed. Someone else may be sent to water it. Only God can change a heart and you may have already done your part. Don’t mess up God’s work! ROFL

9. Don’t Argue
Art of Eloquence offers a Tshirt Transfer and Puzzle Download with a very powerful saying on it. “Don’t argue with a fool. Someone watching might not be able to tell the difference” -Author Unknown Arguing only inflames the other party and renders them incapable of really listening to what you have to say. Arguing never persuades anyone and if it does, they certainly would never admit it!

10. Agree to Disagree
Tis better to agree to disagree and live to discuss another day than to fight for your right to be a pest! Sometimes people are not ready to hear or accept what you have to say. Sometimes you are only one in a long line of people the Lord will use to share Jesus with this person. Share and discuss in love and grace and then let it go. God is in control. Let Him work.

We have not been commanded to make Christians. We have merely been called to share God’s love and grace and mercies with those who would listen and pray for those who don’t.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: articles, disagreeing, Good Old Days, grace, Subscribe Here!, ten rules

You Might Be a Skimmer…

October 11, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

By JoJo Tabares

As so many of us scramble to make ends meet, we have become a nation of caffeine-addicted rushers. We’re late! We’re late! For a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye. We’re late! We’re late! We’re late!

A bunch of Alice in Wonderland White Rabbits, we race from one thing to the next and seldom slow down enough to really understand what’s going on around us. We can’t. We don’t have time! As Willy Wonka stated, “I have so much time and so little to do! Strike that. Reverse it!”

With so little time and so much to do, we find ourselves becoming a nation of skimmers. We skim through our emails and even our conversations. We listen with our “To Do” List running through our brains and we miss half of what is said. That gets us into some hot water when we either miss an important piece of information or Aunt Mildred’s upset because we were only pretending to listen to her.

So how do you know if you’ve become a skimmer? How do you know when it’s gotten so bad and you are missing so much that your relationships are suffering? Well, fortunately, I’ve developed a test. Of course it’s written in my own comedic style…and, as Wonka also said, “A little nonsense now and then…” Here are seven ways to tell if you’re a …SKIMMER!

1. If you have ever run into a friend on the street and, as she’s talking, you begin planning your dinner menu for the week and when you get to Thursday you realize you are nodding to NO ONE…you might be a skimmer.

2. If you have ever read an email three times for the first time…you might be a skimmer.

3. If you have ever had a conversation with someone who repeatedly says, “I just said that.”…you might be a skimmer.

4. If you have ever shown up to a party on the wrong date…you might be a skimmer.

5. If you have found yourself at a black tie affair dressed in blue jeans…you might be a skimmer.

6. If you have had a conversation with your mother about several emails she sent you and find only half of it even vaguely familiar…you might be a skimmer.

7. If you ever had a one-hour, in-depth conversation with someone after which you not only couldn’t remember who it was with, but what you talked about…you might be a skimmer.

Skimming can be dangerous to your information and your relationships. Believe it or not, skimming actually costs you more time to do things over again than you saved by skimming in the first place. Slow down, America!

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: conversation, email, reading, skimmer, skimmers, skimming, white rabbit, Willy Wanka

What is old?

September 8, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

Today is Word Wednesday here on Communication FUNdamentals and it’s also my birthday! According to my kids, I’m old. In fact, my dd has been calling me ancient since she was about 3yrs old. She’s now 20, I’m currently celebrating the 30th anniversary of my 18th birthday and you can do the math on that one!

Old is another one of those words that has been misused in my, perhaps seasoned, opinion. I mean, what is old anyway? If you ask a 3 y/o what old is, she’ll probably say twenty. If you ask a 20 y/o, she’ll probably say 30. If you ask a 48 y/o she’ll probably say, “Hey! Are you calling me old?!” Besides, what is an old person now-a-days isn’t old compared to Biblical times. Methuselah! Now there’s a man who was old! I think most people today would consider an 80 or 90 y/o to be “old.”

But “old” is a relative term anyway. How old is an old car? After five years, when the warranty runs out, YOU consider it old, dontcha? Okay, but what if you’re in the market for a used car? How old is old? Ten, fifteen years? Surely, you wouldn’t buy a used car that was 80 or 90 years old? Well, you might, but you’d pay a much higher price…and they’d use a slightly different term for it: Antique! Funny how old vs antique can look vastly different:

But it gets even worse than that! If you put an ad in the Recycler selling your old computer, you’d be hard-pressed to find a buyer if they knew it was 15 years old! Even five years is OLD for anything electronic. And don’t get me started on food! I wouldn’t touch an old donut with an old ten foot pole!

As an added bit of fun, I include this video for your giggling pleasure. My father sent this to me for my birthday. He’s got a fabulous sense of humor. It’s just too stinkin’ funny and appropriate for me NOT to include it here today. I sometimes feel like I’m falling apart in my old age…Enjoy!

So, today’s my birthday and I’m 48 years old, young! Whether you’re older or younger than I am, please leave me a birthday note. Feel free to sing!

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: birthday, old, Word Wednesday

Half Flawed

July 28, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

This is a picture of the corner of one of the counter tops in my kitchen. What do you notice? What stands out to you? If you said the fact that a piece of the grout is missing, you’d be one of the majority. It kind of bugs me and I’ve been meaning to buy some matching grout and fix it, but the other day I noticed something about what I noticed.

Years ago there was a show I absolutely loved called Touched by an Angel. One episode was about a woman who lived next door to a home for children with disabilities. One of the children was (yet unknown to the audience and characters at the time) an angel with a disability. At the end of the show he revealed himself as an angel not only to the woman, who had become disabled due to a stroke, but to the other angels. When he did, he commented how God had made an angel with a disability to remind people not to look at what people can’t do, but what they can do. During the entire show, even the angels treated him as if he was the sum total of his flaws. Even when dealing with him, trying to help him and trying to allow him to help the woman who was their assignment, they saw him as half flawed.

Looking at this missing grout that bugged me so much, I failed to notice all the other grout that holds this counter top together. I failed to notice the beauty of the counter top which I had initially loved because it wasn’t plain, white tile as were most kitchen counter tops I have had in the past. It’s beauty had faded for me since all I could see was what it was missing. And what was missing was a miniscule amount of grout.

People are like this counter top. We have flaws. Sometimes those flaws can be fixed, but sometimes they cannot. Sometimes they are quite obvious and sometimes they are hardly noticeable. One of my many flaws is that I am HTML Illiterate and Technologically Challenged. Though it’s been quite difficult for me at times, I have learned quite a bit about how to blog, update my website and host online seminars. I’ve “come a long way baby!” Am I still a Techno Idiot? Absolutely, but this techno ding dong can learn! It’s a slow process, but it can be done!

Another one of my flaws is the fact that I have no sense of direction whatever. I joke that I can get lost backing out of my own driveway and it’s not too far from the truth. It is a source of frustration for me and for my family, particularly my husband who could find his way home after being blindfolded and driven across country… in the dark! I just don’t have the GPS gene. I’ve tried to develop my sense of direction in my last 48 years on this planet, but I fear it is a lost cause.

As a directionally impaired and technologically challenged soul, I have a difficult time with simple things like my TV remote. I long for the old days when you had an “on button.” Now turning my TV on involves pressing two buttons for the TV and two buttons for the Cable, that is unless someone left the TV in DVR or DVD mode in which case I have to call my 11 y/o son for help. Apparently you need to push about six more buttons to resolve that! With as little as I watch TV on my own, I’ve never seen the need to get trained in such matters.

My son knows how much mom struggles with things that are simple for him and so often he neglects to see my other good qualities. His comments are sometimes spoken in a condescending way magnifying my flaws as if they make up the sum total of who I am. Sometimes those condescending remarks creep into other subject areas for which I do have an aptitude, yet he will argue with me because he just knows he’s right and mom’s wrong. After all, Mom’s not too bright if she can’t even turn on the TV! This is when I need to remind him that I have learned a wee bit in 48 years and just maybe that song WAS around in the 60’s and wasn’t actually written for Shrek.

Are you a glass half full kind of person? Or do you see it as half empty? Have you ever seen someone only for their flaws? Made a snap judgment about them and couldn’t see the blessings they had to offer? Ever run across someone who struck you as unintelligent, only to find they were a wealth of knowledge about something you treasured? Have you ever thought someone weak only to discover their inner strength and the story behind how it was developed?

You know what else I have found about looking for people’s flaws? If you look at the person as half flawed, you miss so much of the blessings God can give you though them. My engagement ring is a diamond. It is not a flawless diamond by any means. However, as I look at it, I don’t see the flaws. They are too small to be seen with the naked eye. I supposed anyone looking to purchase a flawless diamond would have missed the opportunity to have seen the incredible brilliance of this heart-shaped, well cut diamond sparkle and light up the restaurant when I was proposed to 23 years ago.

When we look for what we expect to find in someone, we are almost always able to see it. Further, what we look for seems to become magnified as under a microscope which obscures anything we are not looking for at present. In addition, when we look for someone’s flaws, we don’t see the blessing that is in that very flaw. A person’s weakness may be his greatest strength. It may be one of the endearing qualities that make him unique if we would only see it that way. Finally, seeing someone as half flawed sets the tone for our communication with him.

The more you expect Johnny not to understand math, the more you speak to him as if he hasn’t got math smarts. The more Johnny hears this communication, the more Johnny believes it. What would happen if you began to speak to Johnny as if he could get it? You know what happened to me when my web designer spoke to me as if I could understand my website? I began to feel like I could do it. The more competent I felt, the more I trusted myself and the more I learned.

So…the next time you are tempted to see someone’s faults, remember to look beyond the missing grout. Look at the person as half blessed so your speech can reflect the whole of who they are instead of someone who is half flawed.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula, including Say What You Mean Defending the Faith. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: Article, communication, dvd, flaws, glass half full, half empty, shrek

Nitpicker's Anonymous

July 14, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

My mother always told me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. It seems that communication over the internet means you don’t need to look your victim, er, Facebook Friend in the eye. Folks don’t seem to make it a point to be as uplifting and gracious as they are when face-to-face. As I navigate the Information Super Highway, I often reflect upon this scripture, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

A while ago, I had a little situation on one of the social networking sites. I had posted an article and reposted some interesting things that others had seen fit to post. I received replies from someone picking nits about the content. I’ve had this happen a time or two before (I’ve seen it happen to others many times on the internet.) and always found it rather interesting. I’m not going to name names or even the site it was on. I post virtually the same things on all sites each day. All I’ll say is that it was really just a case of nitpicking.

The people who pick nits rarely reply to anything in which they cannot find something to disagree. They are usually not uplifting in any way and most often don’t bother to put things graciously, but instead prefer to show everyone how ignorant the other guy is and how smart they are in contrast. However, in my experience, the nitpicker isn’t usually seen as smarter or helpful, but rather as picky and condescending.

If I disagree with someone, I usually find it best to send a private message unless it I feel it’s something that will lead others astray. In that case, I will be grace-filled and loving in my reply. For example, I might tell someone that I “look at it a different way” or reply “in my experience…” or share that “in my research…” or “my understanding is…” I will usually assume the other party is simply mistaken, not a liar. I almost always gently correct if I feel something is just not so. It’s always better, in my opinion, to tell someone they are incorrect instead of callously stating they are WRRONG or a liar.

But I find that too many people on the web are unconcerned with being gracious. And although Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.“, I notice it among the Christian community as well. I’ve talked about this before on the blog, in my articles and in my communication studies.

Sometimes it’s simply a matter of a mood we are in. Sometimes we are just in a contrary frame of mind. Perhaps we had a bad day so we look at things and notice what we disagree with. This provides many opportunities to Tweet and Facebook our opposition in virtual anonymity, a tempting prospect that allows too many to fall into nitpicking.

My advice when you post on Twitter and Facebook (or any of the other social networking sites) is to stop before you publicly disagree with someone. Yes, even an obscure post on Twitter or Facebook is a public post. Reflect on these questions before you hit the “share” button:

1. Is it really a mistake or are you reading too much into it?

Are you perhaps being too picky, stretching the meaning, reading it out of context? Is what they posted really a problem or are you looking for situations in which the statement could be taken another way. Did the other party mean it the way you are interpreting it or are you pretty sure he meant it in a completely innocent way?

2. Does what you disagree with rise to the level that the person should be made aware of his/her mistake?

If the person did, indeed make a mistake or state an untruth, does it really need to be corrected? I’ve written many times about my children and their creation of the Conversation Correction Patrol. I even wrote a children’s ebook by that title once! Sometimes we look for things to correct in other people, but don’t realize that there is no need. The other parties involved know that Julie meant 12 noon and not 12 midnight for nobody in their right mind would have lunch at midnight. The only thing you will accomplish by making a big deal of Julie’s mistake is embarrassing her.

3. Is it best to send the person a private message?

Is this something that should be handled personally or would it be received well if you posted it for all her Facebook friends to see? Sometimes it’s more gracious to notify someone of a faux pas in private. Think about how you might feel if someone yelled out at a party that you were so dumb as to think lunch was at midnight. That’s more or less how it is received when you make a big deal of a small mistake in public (online).

4. If not, have you chosen the most gracious words?

If something needs to be said, even if it is in private, have you taken care to use the most gracious words you can in pointing out someone’s mistake or have you condemned them, made them feel dumb, or called them a liar?

5. Have you said anything positive, encouraging or uplifting to this person or are you only sending them replies when you have something negative to say?

Even if you have been gracious by pointing out something that should be corrected, take a look at what other communication you have had with this person. Is the only time you have communicated with Martha been when you told he she was wrong? Did you bother to say you’d pray for her when she announced she was ill? Did you congratulate her on her newest project or promotion? Have you uplifted her or have you replied to her only when you spotted an error?

Choose your battles and your words wisely. Remember that just because you are right, doesn’t mean you are justified in saying so. Sometimes you will win the battle, but hurt a friend. “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.” Proverbs 18:19 Even if the person doesn’t take offense, this sort of “tug and pull” communication can be draining.

I know that some people see errors glaring at them and feel they just have to point them out. Anyone involved in any part of the editing process may be a card carrying member of the Communication Correction Patrol. I’m an author so I know. In fact, anyone with bright kids might know this intimately! Those who spot errors feel the overwhelming need to fix stuff, but I implore you to stop and think if this is the best course of action in each particular situation. If so, please handle with care. If not, might I suggest Nitpickers Anonymous. We meet on Thursdays!

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula, including Say What You Mean Defending the Faith. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: annonymous, Ephesians, Facebook, Information superhighway, Internet, Knitpick, scripture, Twitter

Ten Things NOT to Post During Tough Times

July 7, 2010 by Art of Eloquence

Last week I shared some tips for business blogging and social media. I shared Ten Things to Post During Tough Times. This week I want to share Ten Things NOT to Post During Tough Times. Tough times are hard enough without having to read through stuff like this. As an added bonus, you’ll notice that they all rhyme!

Ten Things NOT to Post During Tough Times

1. Spam

Nobody wants to be sold, especially during tough times. Sharing a special offer once in a while with folks you have a relationship with is one thing, but ONLY posting your wares or posting six offers in a row or posting the same offer several times is not something that will win you friends and influence customers.

2. Scams

Make money in your sleep not only sounds like an ad, but it feels like a scam. Don’t pray on people’s needs by posting to every Tom, Dick and other Tweeple about your latest network marketing idea. Even if it’s a fabulous opportunity and just perfect for her, she’ll see you as an opportunist instead of a friend who is sharing a great idea.

3. Ham

If you’re gonna post an award you received, by all means be HUMBLE about it. Remember that few people will want to hear about how great you are. If you’re going to post how great something is, post how great God is! Post the opportunities God has given you instead of how great thou art!

4. Jam

I know you’re probably thinking nobody would do this, but be careful about what things you reveal about yourself online! I’ve seen folks post about the trouble they got into over the weekend or with the law. I guess we all should avoid such trouble anyway, but if you do happen to get into some, you might not want to reveal that online! Remember that Facebook, Twitter and Yahoo group posts can wind up on a Google search for years to come!

5. Slam

Another online or public no-no is to slam another company…like your competition. The Whopper never grows in popularity by putting down the Big Mac! It only makes the Whopper look vindictive. ;D

6. Wham

Anything that sounds too good to be true, even if it’s true, sounds too good to be true. So don’t post how drinking this juice will cure cancer, give you muscles, make you lose 100 lbs over night or is guaranteed to make you million$ while you $leep.

7. Bam

No matter how upset you are with a Facebook friend, never post harsh words in public. Times are tough out there and tempers can flare, but harsh words are hard to take back, even if they are justified.

8. Ma’am

Don’t solicit dates from your Facebook friends, guys! My bio shares that I am a Christian wife of 23 years, but you’d be surprised if I told you how many times I’ve received direct messages from men making remarks about my looks and asking me to email them with my phone number. Most women don’t find that attractive, fellas; they think it’s creepy, even if they are single.

9. Yam

Yammering on and on about the same topic or re-posting the same link over and over again is another thing NOT to do, especially during tough times. Re-posting a link once after a few hours on Twitter because some could have missed it amongst all the other tweets is okay. Re-posting it again in the final hours is acceptable, but posting the same post each hour on the hour is…well…ANNOYING!

10. Tram

Don’t take your readers for a ride! Take a direct route to the point. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 catch phrases!

Even if your spam, scam, ham, jam, slam wham, bam, ma’am, yam or tram isn’t quite this blatant, take a good look at what you’re posting and see if the flavor is similar. If it is, season it with a little humility and a dash of servitude.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula, including Say What You Mean Defending the Faith. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

For more articles on communication in business, check out the bottom of our Articles Page!

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: Facebook, ham, ma'am, spam, tram, tweets, Twitter, what not to post

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