Communication Articles

I bet you won’t read this!

July 2, 2015 by Art of Eloquence

It’s not as much a lack of training these days that gives way to communication issues; it’s currently a lack of interest!

I’d be willing to bet that 95% of the people who see this article (or any other article or blog post, or Facebook post or …you get the picture) will just scroll past it without giving it a second thought. I’d be willing to go one step further and say that almost the same amount of people will do so even if the topic is of great interest. I’d also be willing to bet that at least 75% of people don’t take the time to really listen when a friend or family member speaks and that about the same percentage don’t pay close attention to others enough to notice when a co worker, friend or neighbor is upset.

Nobody takes the time to pay attention these days! We have become a nation so frantic about trying to make a living and attend to our lives that we don’t take the time to really listen or read anymore. We also don’t realize that these short cuts actually take MORE time (confusing communication which has to be ironed out) than it would if we took the time to read it or listen carefully in the first place. We are a civilization divided into microwave nanoseconds. Don’t think so?

* What is most popular on FB? Not in depth articles on important matters of life, no–but silly pictures of cats. Even videos don’t get much attention anymore. Those are three minutes and fifty seven seconds too long to justify taking time away from liking three hundred dog photos on Facebook.

* What happens when someone posts a picture they don’t immediately understand? Do they look at the accompanying text to see what the person posting said? No, that takes too long! They ask or they assume and post a response that doesn’t fit the post.

* What TV shows are popular? Not the ones that make you think! Thinking is now a spectator sport. The popular shows are the ones that tell you what to think, give silly laughs and the dreaded reality shows that don’t bear any resemblance to reality.

* By the way, how many of you noticed that the Keep Right sign has the arrow pointing the wrong way?

No wonder nobody cares enough to learn to communicate effectively.

It doesn’t matter. You can be the most articulate soul on the planet, but if nobody reads what you write or listens to what you say or pays attention because it takes longer than three nanoseconds, your message is either lost or twisted and someone has probably unjustifiably taken offense at what they THINK you said.

Blog posts are almost a thing of the past because you actually have to READ. I commend you who have continued on this far. You are in the minority these days. Kuddos! You’ll learn stuff.

For quite some time, studies have shown that there has been a significant decline in communication effectiveness.

College professors report an increase in papers with text speak, slang and poor grammar. Employers have reported a serious lack of communication skill in their new hire candidates and that it’s one of the reasons employees are not promoted.

You and I notice it every day when we speak to people, and chat with them on social media. Sometimes the lack of communication skill is so apparent we can hardly make out what the person is trying to tell us.

However, it’s not as much a lack of training as it is a lack of interest. The bottom line is that most people today don’t feel communication is a subject that merits any attention. Why?

Undivided attention is overrated. Multitasking is a valued skill, but what isn’t generally taken into account is the fact that the less you concentrate on something, the less efficient you are at it. While you may be able to cook dinner, do the laundry and listen to little Johnny’s story, you probably didn’t catch everything he said.

Unfortunately, this is exactly why so many struggle in relationships, marriages and friendships these days. Relationships are all about communication and very few seek to master it these days. I teach communication skills and for the last ten years there has been a decline both in the skills demonstrated and the interest in learning and applying them. If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of a misunderstanding, you know what I mean.

Need more proof?

Folks are busy and they are trying to find short cuts for whatever they do. I can’t count the number of times I have sent an email to someone and had them reply asking for the very information that was still included in the original email which was attached underneath their reply! Ever seen one of these?

From: Sally
Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:49 PM
To: Mary
Subject: Re: Coffee on Friday?

Hi Mary,
What day and time?

Love,
Sally

>From: Mary
> Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:47 PM
> To: Sally
> Subject: Coffee on Friday?
>
> Dear Sally,
> How about coming over on Friday at 9am for some coffee?
>
> Love,
> Mary

Not only did Sally take extra time to send a reply to Mary asking for the very information Mary already gave her, but she has communicated to Mary that her email wasn’t worth her time to read properly in the first place. Additionally, it communicates to Mary that Sally doesn’t think Mary’s time is as valuable as hers. She is now requesting that Mary spend more of her time to answer a question she has already answered. Furthermore, it takes even more of Sally’s time to have to read through another one of Mary’s emails.

It’s time we, as a society, take back the responsibility for what we say and how we say it.

It’s time to learn to speak effectively and in grace. It’s time to be proactive…because what’s at stake is everyone one of our relationships! If you don’t, I can promise you there’s a storm coming! A miscommunication storm that will leave your relationships in its wake.

The economy is down and, it appears, we are all just too broke to pay attention. In today’s microwave society people are always looking for ways to save time…but are we actually spending more time because of miscommunication? You know that old phrase, “Do it right the first time” and you won’t have to spend time doing it again. I think our nanoseconds would be better spent if we heeded this time honored time saver!

Life’s busy in the 21st Century, but if we all take just a few moments to really read or listen to the other party, we might actually save ourselves a great deal of time and frustration. Read those emails carefully before you reply. Actively listen to the speaker before you respond. You just might answer your own question…before you spend endless nanoseconds to ask it!

I could have said more about this subject, but this blog post is already MUCH longer than most people will take time to read as it is. 😀

Check out ArtofEloquence.com and take your stand now! We have studies for PreK through adults and for every communication situation from speech and debate to sharing your faith and social skills!

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: articles, busy, communication, confusing, keep right, laughs, listens, microwave society, nanoseconds, pay attention, popular shows, reads, sign, tv shows

The truth isn’t relative, but it is conditional

June 2, 2015 by Art of Eloquence

Have you ever been asked a question that you had a hard time answering? Not because you were trying to deceive, but because you were trying to be honest. The truth is that the truth isn’t relative, but it is conditional. Case in point…

When people ask me where I’m from, I have a difficult time ascertaining if they mean where I was born, where I spent most of my childhood or where I just moved from. For you, this might be just a case of semantics, but for me, it provides a completely different answer. I was born in Colorado, but only lived there for two weeks. While I am currently living in Indiana, I just moved here from Arizona. However, when I say that, people assume I had lived in Arizona all my previous life so I end up having to tell them that I only lived there for 5.5 yrs. That begs the question, where did I move to Arizona from. And the answer to that is California–so they assume I grew up in California, but I actually grew up mostly in NY. So they assume that means that I moved to California from NY, but that’s not true either. I moved to California from Virginia. So then they assume that they now know everywhere I’ve lived, but I also lived in Florida for a few years after my family left Colorado. For those of you who are now dizzy, that translates to Colorado, Florida, NY, Virginia, California, Arizona and Indiana.

So you see how truth can be conditional. It depends upon the meaning and context behind the question. For another example, I point you in the direction of your driver’s license.

Indiana was the first state to voluntarily comply with the new facial recognition software. We were required to take off our glasses and NOT smile into the camera (if you could even find it after taking off your glasses–a big assumption if you happen to be legally blind without them!). Now, I will stipulate that saying you weigh 100lbs when you are really 145 is not being truthful, but what about your hair color? I put down brown. That is my natural hair color…or is it? Truth be told, if my hair was left to its own devices, it would be almost entirely gray. Or should I put down red? Truthfully, I say to you that until my dying day, I’ll be coloring my hair red. Purely as an aside, my face (you know, for that facial recognition part) doesn’t ever look like that! They told me to take off my glasses and look at the camera. What camera? Without my glasses I opened my eye wide and then squinted to try to FIND the camera and that is why I have that deer in the headlights look. I don’t think a criminal would have that look. She’d probably be wearing her glasses!

So, while we are still on the subject of recognition software, how truthful is it to trust a driver’s license which shows that I’m a brown haired woman with bug eyes who doesn’t wear glasses? As a matter of fact, if you ever find a brown haired woman fitting my description with bug eyes and not wearing glasses, call the police! It means I’ve been abducted by someone who has (done the unthinkable and) prevented me from dying my hair long enough to have had the color fade…oh and has stolen my glasses!!

Is it just me or do any of you find the truth to be conditional? Share your story below. Truth is, I’d love to hear it. 😀

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: conditional, deer, driver's licencse, facial recognition software, relative, the truth is not relative, truth

I AM responsible for your assumptions

January 21, 2014 by Art of Eloquence

One of the most popular sayings quoted in graphics posted on social media right now was popularized by the movie Rush Hour. In this scene, LAPD Detective Carter on loan to the FBI is asked to babysit a police officer from China to keep him away from the kidnapping case they are trying to solve. Inspector Lee, played by Jackie Chan, pretends not to speak English in order to get as much information out of Detective Carter as he can. Later on, Lee lets it slip that he does speak English and Carter asks him why he made him believe otherwise. Lee says, “I didn’t say I didn’t, you assumed I didn’t…I’m not responsible for your assumptions.” Oh, wasn’t he?

This article is part of a series I’ll be writing on good sayings that don’t really ring true. This saying is a myth perpetrated by a well-meaning, self-help enthusiasts meant to inspire and empower those who may have spent a lifetime trying to explain themselves. However, this quote is a myth. It isn’t true. It doesn’t work. So what’s the problem with it?

Exodus 23:1 says, “Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.” So when you say something you know may be misinterpreted, you are raising a false report. Further, when you knowingly and purposefully withhold setting the record straight, James 4:17 says you are sinning, “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”

There are three other things we need to consider about this myth:

1. First rule of communication

It is the speaker’s job to be understood and not the listener’s job to figure it out. So actually, it is your responsibility if your listener makes assumptions that are incorrect. Only you know what you mean to say. Only you can communicate what’s in your head to the listener. And only you are responsible to make sure that your listener understands it the way in which you intended it.

2. Unintentional or not, misunderstandings can and should be avoided

It’s bad enough when someone says something that another misinterprets because of an assumption, because it can lead those hearers to make decisions based on false information and damaged relationships. How would you feel if a person, acting on an assumption they made from something you said, went on to cause themselves or others harm?

However, unintentional misunderstanding aside, you are absolutely responsible if you notice someone is not getting what you are communicating. It’s your job then, to correct them and not allow them to be confused or make an incorrect assumption, even if it is to your advantage as it was in the movie, Rush Hour.

3. The Spaghetti Test doesn’t work for communication

To test if spaghetti is done, some cooks will throw a few strands of spaghetti up on a wall and see if it sticks. If it does, it’s done. That may work for spaghetti, but it doesn’t work for communication. You cannot simply throw some communication up on the wall (or in this case, in the face of an unsuspecting listener) and hope that something might stick. What happens is that your listener ends up with a lot of spaghetti on his face. Or egg on yours!

For these three reasons, this myth is a dangerous one to adopt for we are, indeed responsible for the assumptions others make whether through the sin of omission, a false statement or by allowing someone to assume something that isn’t true. Politicians are masterful at this. Christians shouldn’t be. We are called for greater things.

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: I'm not responsible for your assumptions, popular sayings that just aren't true

Nitpicker’s Annonymous

January 14, 2014 by Art of Eloquence

Here is part two of my article from last week called Conversation Correction Patrol:

My advice when you post on Twitter and Facebook (or any of the other social networking sites) is to stop before you publicly disagree with someone. Yes, even an obscure post on Twitter or Facebook is a public post. Reflect on these questions before you hit the “share” button:

1. Is it really a mistake or are you reading too much into it?

Are you perhaps being too picky, stretching the meaning, reading it out of context? Is what they posted really a problem or are you looking for situations in which the statement could be taken another way. Did the other party mean it the way you are interpreting it or are you pretty sure he meant it in a completely innocent way?

2. Does what you disagree with rise to the level that the person should be made aware of his/her mistake?

If the person did, indeed make a mistake or state an untruth, does it really need to be corrected? I’ve written many times about my children and their creation of the Conversation Correction Patrol. I even wrote a children’s ebook by that title once! Sometimes we look for things to correct in other people, but don’t realize that there is no need. The other parties involved know that Julie meant 12 noon and not 12 midnight for nobody in their right mind would have lunch at midnight. The only thing you will accomplish by making a big deal of Julie’s mistake is embarrassing her.

3. Is it best to send the person a private message?

Is this something that should be handled personally or would it be received well if you posted it for all her Facebook friends to see? Sometimes it’s more gracious to notify someone of a faux pas in private. Think about how you might feel if someone yelled out at a party that you were so dumb as to think lunch was at midnight. That’s more or less how it is received when you make a big deal of a small mistake in public (online).

4. If not, have you chosen the most gracious words?

If something needs to be said, even if it is in private, have you taken care to use the most gracious words you can in pointing out someone’s mistake or have you condemned them, made them feel dumb, or called them a liar?

5. Have you said anything positive, encouraging or uplifting to this person or are you only sending them replies when you have something negative to say?

Even if you have been gracious by pointing out something that should be corrected, take a look at what other communication you have had with this person. Is the only time you have communicated with Martha been when you told he she was wrong? Did you bother to say you’d pray for her when she announced she was ill? Did you congratulate her on her newest project or promotion? Have you uplifted her or have you replied to her only when you spotted an error?

Choose your battles and your words wisely. Remember that just because you are right, doesn’t mean you are justified in saying so. Sometimes you will win the battle, but hurt a friend. “An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.” Proverbs 18:19 Even if the person doesn’t take offense, this sort of “tug and pull” communication can be draining.

I know that some people see errors glaring at them and feel they just have to point them out. Anyone involved in any part of the editing process may be a card carrying member of the Communication Correction Patrol. I’m an author so I know. In fact, anyone with bright kids might know this intimately! Those who spot errors feel the overwhelming need to fix stuff, but I implore you to stop and think if this is the best course of action in each particular situation. If so, please handle with care. If not, might I suggest Nitpickers Anonymous. We meet on Thursdays!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula, including Say What You Mean Defending the Faith. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: errors, mistake, nitpicker

Conversation CorRection Patrol

January 7, 2014 by Art of Eloquence

This is part one of a two part article series:

My mother always told me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. It seems that communication over the internet means you don’t need to look your victim, er, Facebook Friend in the eye. Folks don’t seem to make it a point to be as uplifting and gracious as they are when face-to-face. As I navigate the Information Super Highway, I often reflect upon this scripture, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

A while ago, I had a little situation on one of the social networking sites. I had posted an article and reposted some interesting things that others had seen fit to post. I received replies from someone picking nits about the content. I’ve had this happen a time or two before (I’ve seen it happen to others many times on the internet.) and always found it rather interesting. I’m not going to name names or even the site it was on. I post virtually the same things on all sites each day. All I’ll say is that it was really just a case of nitpicking.

The people who pick nits rarely reply to anything in which they cannot find something to disagree. They are usually not uplifting in any way and most often don’t bother to put things graciously, but instead prefer to show everyone how ignorant the other guy is and how smart they are in contrast. However, in my experience, the nitpicker isn’t usually seen as smarter or helpful, but rather as picky and condescending.

If I disagree with someone, I usually find it best to send a private message unless I feel it’s something that will lead others astray. In that case, I will be grace-filled and loving in my reply. For example, I might tell someone that I “look at it a different way” or reply “in my experience…” or share that “in my research…” or “my understanding is…” I will usually assume the other party is simply mistaken, not a liar. I almost always gently correct if I feel something is just not so. It’s always better, in my opinion, to tell someone they are incorrect instead of callously stating they are WRRONG or a liar.

But I find that too many people on the web are unconcerned with being gracious. And although Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.“, I notice it among the Christian community as well. I’ve talked about this before on the blog, in my articles and in my communication studies.

Sometimes it’s simply a matter of a mood we are in. Sometimes we are just in a contrary frame of mind. Perhaps we had a bad day so we look at things and notice what we disagree with. This provides many opportunities to Tweet and Facebook our opposition in virtual anonymity, a tempting prospect that allows too many to fall into nitpicking.

Next week I’ll share part two of this article, Nitpicker’s Annonymous. Stay tuned! Subscribe to this blog so you don’t miss each weekly post!

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: Communication Correction Patrol, mistakes

Dewey Decimal System Day

December 10, 2013 by Art of Eloquence

Does anyone even know what this is anymore? …Now that we have the internet and hardly anyone goes to the library these days. They even cut the library hours and staff.

In case you didn’t know what this was or you’d like to teach your kidlings, Wikipedia defines it here.

“The Dewey Decimal Classification (DDC), or Dewey Decimal System, is a proprietary library classification system first published by Melvil Dewey in 1876. It has been revised and expanded through 23 major editions, the latest issued in 2011. The classification was notable in its time because it introduced the concepts of relative location and relative index. It makes use of three-digit Arabic numerals for main classes, with decimals as expansions for more detail.

A library assigns a Dewey Decimal number that unambiguously locates a particular volume in a position relative to other books in the library. This makes it easy to find any particular book and return it to its proper place on the library shelves. The system is used in 200,000 libraries in at least 135 countries.”

Informal Survey: How many of you knew what it was? How many didn’t? How many of your kids did? How many of you actually use it today? How many use the internet more than the library these days?

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: Dewey Decimal System, Internet, libraries, Library, Melvile Dewey

Is Funner a Word?

November 19, 2013 by Art of Eloquence

Is Funner a word?

I’ll bet you’ll say it isn’t, but according to Merriam Webster it is! (added about 2010) But is that all we should consider in order to communicate effectively? NO!

Effective communication is also about the impression we make on people. Using the word funner makes you sound like a you’re *UNedUmaCaTed.*

I don’t care if the dictionary does say it’s a word, if you sound like an idiot you’ll be treated that way and all credibility goes out the window.

So, funner IS a word, but if you use it, you’ll communicate that you’re not too bright. And if you use the term more funner, they’ll be sure of it!

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: dictionary, fun, funner, word

Disturbing decline in any interest in communicating well

November 5, 2013 by Art of Eloquence

For quite some time, studies have shown that there has been a significant decline in communication effectiveness. College professors report an increase in papers with text speak, slang and poor grammar. Employers have reported a serious lack of communication skill in their new hire candidates and that it’s one of the reasons employees are not promoted.

However, it’s not as much a lack of training as it is a lack of interest. The bottom line is that most people today don’t feel communication is a subject that merits any attention. Why?

1. Undivided attention is overrated. Multitasking is a valued skill, but what isn’t generally taken into account is the fact that the less you concentrate on something, the less efficient you are at it. While you may be able to cook dinner, do the laundry and listen to little Johnny’s story, you probably didn’t catch everything he said.

2. The empowerment movement has told us that we have the right to free speech. What they have not mentioned is the responsibility we face for the way in which we deliver that speech. The idea is that I have the right to say whatever I want, but you don’t the right to be offended. However the opposite is also taught: I have the right to be offended by anything you say and you have to make it up to me. It’s a curious and unrealistic way to live.

It’s time we, as a society, take back the responsibility for what we say and how we say it. It’s time to learn to speak effectively and in grace. It’s time to be proactive…because what’s at stake are our relationships! If you don’t, I can promise you there’s a storm coming! A miscommunication storm that will leave your relationships in its wake.

Check out ArtofEloquence.com and take your stand now! We have studies for PreK through adults and for every communication situation from speech and debate to sharing your faith and social skills!

Share this:

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: adults, communication, communication skills, debate, prek, social skills, Speech, Subscribe Here!

The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication

May 6, 2013 by Art of Eloquence

Mothers through the generations have told their children that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. It’s sage advice and something that teaches us many lessons about how we should communicate with others. The following is from the introduction of my newest communication study, Say What You Mean for Moms, the first in a series of communication studies for parents which you may pre order today at a 30% discount!

Three of the most important lessons learned from mom’s old saying:

1. We should strive for our communication to be grace-filled

2. We should think before we speak.

3. We should be purposeful in how we communicate…which brings me to a technique people have adopted of late that sounds good, but just flat isn’t true. It’s what I call The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication.

I was talking with a friend of mine about how so few people understand the incredible value of learning to communicate effectively when she made a comment that reminded me of something my mother taught me about cooking. She said, “there is a trend today of just ‘putting it out there’ and laying the responsibility on the listener to discern your meaning. And if you don’t. . . well, doom on you!”

This illustration reminded me of the old spaghetti test to determine whether or not it was done. Mom told me that women used to throw spaghetti up against the wall to see if it would stick. If it did, it was done. I remember thinking that either way, you’d have a messy wall to clean up!

The same can be said of throwing our communication out there in order to see what sticks. I’ve seen so many popular memes on Facebook lately that tout the idea that you should say whatever you want and let the chips fall where they may. It may sound empowering, but it’s a myth. It’s not empowering at all.

The idea is to speak your mind and the “people who matter won’t mind and the people who mind, don’t matter.” I wrote an entire article on this one false premise, but suffice it to say that those who matter may, indeed mind the way you put things and those who mind matter to God. If God had wanted us to say exactly what we wanted any old way we wanted to, why would He caution us about how we communication so many times in the Bible?

“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” -Colossians 4:6

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” -Ephesians 4:29

“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” -Matthew 15:11

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.” -Proverbs 18:2

“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.” -Proverbs 18:19

Remember that when you throw your communication out there like spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks, you make a messy wall you may have to spend an entire lifetime cleaning up! Learning how to communicate effectively is preferable to becoming a chattering fool. Remember what Proverbs 10:8 says, “The wise in heart accepts commands, but the chattering fool comes to ruin.” Check out our most requested title, Say What You Mean for Moms and learn how to communicate effectively with your children so you aren’t throwing spaghetti up on their wall.

Enter Our Monthly Drawing!

If you’ve read all the way through, I’d like to thank you! I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please leave a comment and please share the link with those you know. I will put the names of all those who comment with their own experiences and insights and who share this link into a drawing for a free gift or a gift certificate. Your choice. You have until the end of the month to do so before I draw a name. Please make sure to have your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you are our winner.

CONGRATULATIONS: Laura! You are the winner of our May Blog Contest!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JoJo’s blog only comes out once a month. If you would like more information, tips and free gifts, please subscribe to our twice monthly newsletter.

Share this:

Filed Under: Art of Eloquence News, Communication Articles Tagged With: communication, if you don't have anything nice to say, moms, Say What You Mean for Moms, Spaghetti test, think before you speak

I bet you won’t read this!

The truth isn’t relative, but it is conditional

I AM responsible for your assumptions

Nitpicker’s Annonymous

Conversation CorRection Patrol

Dewey Decimal System Day

Is Funner a Word?

The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication

NEWEST From Art of Eloquence!

Subscribe to JoJo’s NEW Blog

Customer Comments

Recommended by HSLDA & TOS

Join us on Facebook

We take Visa, MasterCard & PayPal