Listening

Friday Funnies: Silly Questions Lawyers Ask

January 27, 2012 By JoJo

This week, we’ve been talking about listening and communicating with the world (people of different languages and cultures). It is fitting, then, that we have a Friday Funny that illustrates the humor in not listening to YOURSELF as you ask questions that may be interpreted in odd ways by those of different people. Pastor Tim of Cybersalt.org has some great funnies. Here are a few from his latest contribution to Crosswalk.com. To read more of his humor, click the link following the excerpt.

Lawyer Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

*Check out more on: http://www.cybersalt.org/entertainment

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Filed Under: Friday Funnies Tagged With: communicating, Cybersalt, Friday Funnies, laughs, Lawyers, Listening

Nine Ways to Listen

January 23, 2012 By JoJo

Nine Ways to Listen
By JoJo Tabares

Listening is the most important communication skill. It’s rule #1 in JoJo’s Communication Handbook. Listening is so important because it allows us to understand our audience which aids us in tailoring our message to them. Listening helps us know when someone has misunderstood us, is angry with us, or is confused. Listening to others is a gift we give them as they have a chance to communicate what is important to them.

People have asked me HOW? How do we listen, really listen to others? What do we listen for? Listening may sound easy, but it’s actually a very complicated skill and it’s essential for ANY relationship. It could be an entire book because listening is more than just hearing the words and paying attention to someone as they speak. I don’t have time to discuss all the nuances of listening in this blog post, but here are nine ways to listen that will help you build closer relationships with friends, family and coworkers.

1. Words

The first thing we need to listen for are the words. A speaker’s word choice tells us something about where they are coming from in a conversation. Did Patty just say she despised eggplant? That’s a much stronger form of vegetable discrimination than if she had said she didn’t like them.

What words could Patty have used? What does her word choice say about Patty, about eggplant, about the conditions in which she was eating them?

2. Connotation

What connotation is attached to the words Patty used? If Patty says her grandmother is senile, her grandmother’s condition may be more of a clinical description than if she had said she was forgetful. It may warrant a concerned question as to her grandmother’s health. In fact, Patty may be waiting for you to care enough to ask so she can talk about her feelings she’s kept bottled up.

3. Omitted Words

You can tell a great deal about someone by listening to the words they use, but also by the words they don’t use. What words did Patty omit from her conversation about her grandmother? If you listen closely (called active listening), you may have noticed that Patty described all the symptoms of Alzheimer’s without ever saying the word. It may mean that Patty is so afraid for her grandmother that she can’t even bring herself to utter the word. Sometimes a big hug is in order for people under such stress. Clues like these can help us find what our friends need in times of great distress.

4. Tone of Voice

If you noticed that Patty had a note of sarcasm in her voice when she said her grandmother was senile, you could infer that she was simply making a joke. Understanding which comments are meant to be humorous and which ones are not, can be the difference between a close friendship and a conflict.

5. Body Language

As Patty describes her grandmother’s sweet nature and her feelings the last time she saw her, you may notice her body language is focused inward. Patty may not have said anything at all that would indicate that her grandmother is ill, but you may be able to gain an understanding that Patty is in pain about something her grandmother is currently experiencing. Simply asking how she is might give Patty the opening she longs for to discuss her pain with a good friend.

6. Gestures

Similarly, gestures can give you the same kind of information. If Patty’s body isn’t slumped over, perhaps she is wringing her hands or fiddling with her dress. These may be an indication that she is stressed and in need of a good friend’s shoulder.

7. Pauses

Sometimes when people are upset about something, they pause in the middle of a statement due to stress, because they don’t know how to say what they need or want to or because they are about to reveal something they don’t want to. All of those things can give you clues into how Patty is feeling or what she might be trying (or trying NOT) to say.

8. World View

Sometimes we can discern someone’s view on a particular topic by the words or examples they use. This can be a tremendous help in tailoring our message or our comfort to their needs. For example, if Patty uses the word “institution” while discussing where her grandmother may need to go, she may have a dim view of all locations that help the elderly cope with health issues. On the other hand, it may be just the view she holds of this facility. That might be important if you hope to help Patty discuss her feelings and help her decide what options she and her grandmother have.

9. Eye Contact

The eyes are the windows to the soul. You can tell a great deal about a person or situation in which someone either makes or avoids eye contact. If Patty is avoiding eye contact with you as she is talking about her grandmother, she may be feeling afriad of what you might think of her for considering putting her grandmother in an institution. If her brother avoids making eye contact as he is discussing grandma’s jewels that are currently missing from the house, he might be trying to hide the fact that he took them.

These are some of the things you need to pay attention to, listen for, as you communicate with others so you are able to discern more from your conversation. This will allow you further understanding and insight in order that you may be of more help and support to those you are with. As I said, how you do that can be a little complicated. If you’d like to learn more about how to be a good listener, I share these lessons in depth (and for various situations) in several of my studies including: Know Your Audience, Say What You Mean: Defending the Faith, Say What You Mean: Avoiding, Reducing and Resolving Conflicts, Say What You Mean: Overcoming Social Anxiety. If you click on the links and scroll to the bottom of each product page, you’ll find a free sample lesson you can download.

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

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Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: body language, communication skills, eye contact, gestures, listen, Listening, pauses, tone, words, world view

Brand New Speech & Debate Value Package

July 27, 2011 By JoJo

How often have you wished that you could persuade someone to accept your idea, do something you thought was right, or go somewhere you thought was important? Think about it. How many times have you felt passionately about something, but you lacked the insight, discipline or training to present a good argument? While most people will never have a need to engage in a formal debate or speech, understanding these techniques can help train you to become more persuasive in daily life. We actually use persuasion skills every day. Do we need formal debate-level persuasion skills every day? No, but would our everyday need for persuasion skills be enhanced by the study of debate? Absolutely!

Being skilled in the art of giving effective presentations is likely to have a significant impact on your success both personally and professionally. Being able to present yourself (and your ideas) well and having the ability to persuade others is essential in business. It is the sign of an effective and respected leader. It is also important on a personal level because polished communication skills will greatly assist you in making and developing good friendships!

Benefits of Learning to Speak in Public
•Increased confidence and self-esteem
•Ability to think on your feet
•Captivating your audience
•Develop the art of listening critically
•Master persuasion skills
•Better career advancement

Studies show those who enjoy making speeches actually make more money!

The Problem with Most Speech and Debate Courses
Most speech and debate courses can be intimidating or boring. As a child, I was painfully shy. I would rather have cut off my right arm than take a traditional speech and debate course. If I wasn’t intimidated enough by the thought of public speaking, I certainly was by having to become an expert on things like gun control. The only way I would have agreed to take one of these courses is the very thing that was missing from them all: The FUN Factor! Studies show that the more fun people have while learning, the better they will understand, practice and retain the subject matter.

If you could find a course that was both creative and fun, learning becomes almost effortless. Well, now you can with the Art of Eloquence Speech & Debate Value Pack which includes Say What You Mean: A Creative Speech Course and our new Say What You Mean: Beginning Debate together for one low price! To read more about this full year curricula with our BONUS and to download our free lesson from each study, click here!

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Filed Under: Art of Eloquence News Tagged With: bonus, debate, debate course, Listening, self esteem, Spech, Speech and debate, speech course, Subscribe Here!, value pack

Sounds of Silence Week

May 9, 2011 By JoJo

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Last week I shared about speaking up to praise and support and lift others up. This week, I’d like to share a bit on just the opposite: when to keep silent. Today I’m going to talk about when it’s best to keep silent and on Wednesday, I’ll talk about just how we can accomplish this.

The Lord tells us that there is a time to speak up and a time to keep silent: “A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;” -Ecclesiastes 3:7 When are those times?

* When you should be listening

* When you might hurt someone’s feelings

* When you might say something hurtful

* When you don’t have all the facts

* When you haven’t thought things through

* When you don’t really have anything to say

* When you are angry

* When you are hurt

* When you’re POSITIVE he meant that in the meanest possible way!

Remember the saying I posted a long while back, “You have the right to remain silent. Otherwise your words will be misinterpreted and used against you!” When are the times you’ve wished someone would have chosen to remain silent? Can you recall a time when you should have? Are you uncomfortable with pauses in a conversation?

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Filed Under: Communication Articles, Communication Pet Peeves, Question of the Week Tagged With: angry, facts, Feelings, hurful, hurt, Listening, positive, remain silent, right to remain silent, Silence, silent, sound of silence

Disagreeing in Grace Rules 1&2

April 11, 2011 By JoJo

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Continuing with Grace Month this week, I’m going to share a few excerpts from my article, “Ten Quick Rules for Disagreeing in Grace” and examine them each a bit closer.

1. Don’t Accuse
Instead of coming out and saying someone is wrong, just share what you know. Nobody wants to hear they are wrong and if they hear it, they are likely not listening to anything else you say. They may indeed be wrong, but you need to ask yourself if you want to be right or if you want to be heard!

Mildred told Agatha she’d been to Geraldine’s house yesterday and saw her new Labrador puppy. Agatha just saw Geraldine this morning and blurts out, “It’s NOT a Lab, Mildred! It’s a Lab/Shepard mix!” Now doesn’t Mildred feel great? She’s been corrected by the Dog Police! Instead of feeling like she’s received some new information about Geraldine, Mildred now wonders when Agatha will demand the $20 fine!

What if Agatha had simply told what she knew? “Oh isn’t he a pretty pup? He sure does look like a Lab, but Geraldine told me he’s actually a Lab/Shepard mix.” Now they could continue the conversation and remain friends.

2. Listening Without Interrupting
It doesn’t look like you are anxious to share your views if you interrupt. To them, it feels like you aren’t giving due attention to their arguments. If you are not willing to listen to others, they will not be willing to listen to you!

Fred is trying to tell Dennis about his new home, but Dennis is constantly interrupting to correct his square footage and assessment of the neighborhood. Talking to Dennis is like swimming upstream and Fred is getting mighty tired of trying to finish his story. After a while, Fred just stops trying and Dennis is free to disagree with Fred’s purchase unimpeded because Fred has left the building!

It’s not necessary to agree with your friends, but it’s a good idea to allow them to make their point before you nitpick them to pieces. If Dennis had allowed Fred to finish his story and then put his different opinion this way, they might have had a better chance to remain on friendly terms. “I thought all of those homes were smaller than that.” and perhaps, “My wife and I prefer a more rural area.”

It isn’t necessary to discredit the person to disagree with them, it’s only necessary to state what you believe and why. I’ll share more tips for disagreeing in grace on Wednesday.

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Filed Under: Communication Articles, Communication News Tagged With: accuse, excerpts, grace, grace month, interrupting, Listening, month, rules for disagreeing, ten rules

There's No "Busy-ness" Like Slow Business!

March 17, 2010 By JoJo

There’s No “Busy-ness” Like Slow Business!
By JoJo Tabares

If you have ever been on the receiving end of the kind of communication where you felt nobody took the time to listen to you, you might be tempted to utter this common phrase: “You’re so broke you can’t pay attention.”

Even before the bottom fell out of the economy, people were busy. The culture of life has changed in the last hundred years from those close-knit families who spent time with their friends and neighbors eating home-cooked meals prepared by moms who spent hours with their daughters cooking and learning together. In the modern world, moms work either away from home or from home. We don’t have time to spend two hours preparing a meal and with the invention of the microwave, thankfully, we don’t have to. This is helpful because we have to take Johnny to football practice and Cindy to her gymnastics lesson after we drop off Tony at his clarinet lesson…or is that Thursday?

I, too, am guilty of “busy-ness” as I try to make ends meet around a growing son with varied interests. And it’s no wonder those ends don’t meet; they have to travel around work and activities and cleaning and laundry and hundreds of email messages!

I once saw a documentary done in the 1950′s predicting that the free time of a homemaker would significantly increase in the 1970′s as modern technology invented new and faster ways for mom to get her work done. It pictured her pushing a button to clean her house and cook her meals while she had time to sit and read a magazine. I must have missed that boat because I sailed right through the 70′s and 80′s and never noticed! I don’t even buy magazines anymore because I simply don’t have time to read them!

Today’s husband is busier than ever too! He may work long hours because his employer didn’t want to hire another employee so he was given a slight raise in pay and twice the workload! Or he is busy working two jobs because his first employer doesn’t quite pay the bills! When he gets home, he has to fix the dishwasher that was supposed to make his wife’s life so much easier. Oh and don’t forget that Jimmy’s Cub Scout meeting is tonight at 6 and can you show him again how to tie that knot?

With all the things that keep us busy, one thing has suffered greatly: our communication. Not only don’t we have the time to have a good chat with our friends; we don’t have the focus to pay attention to what they said (or emailed) when we do! Monica’s got six things on her mind that she’s got to do before she puts head to pillow. Right now she’s on the phone listening to Aunt Mildred tell her about her gout while she is cooking dinner which has to be ready and eaten by 6:05pm or she won’t get Timmy to piano on time! Somehow she missed the part where Aunt Mildred asked her if she could send Timmy a puppy for his birthday. “Uh huh” wasn’t an answer to her question, it was merely a filler for conversation lulls when she had to take the roast out of the oven! The puppy arrived a week later and now Monica’s busy alright!

So with all the “busy” going around these days it is small wonder that our relationships are often strained and our life is somewhat frustrating as we struggle to clear up misunderstandings. I’d like to offer a few tips that come under the heading of “do it right the first time and you won’t have to do it again!”

I had a customer whose young child thought Art of Eloquence was Art of Elephants! It was so cute coming from a young child. However, I’ll be willing to bet you have had similar experiences with adults. I know I have. Ever have an experience like this?

One of my newsletter subscribers had unsubscribed and was kind enough to leave me some feedback as to why. She said that she was no longer teaching art class at the co op so she wasn’t going to need any art supplies. Now she’d been a subscriber for two years! In that time she couldn’t have spent any time reading my website or my newsletter or it would have been readily apparent that Art of Eloquence didn’t sell art supplies. lol What I wondered was how often she might have thought, “Gee! As soon as I find a minute, I should look to see if anyone offers a creative speech course.”

We miss out on so many opportunities because we aren’t taking the time to notice what is around us. I get a lot of SPAM so I am constantly deleting emails. I do so fairly quickly sometimes and I have, on occasion, missed an email that I had been waiting for. In my haste, I deleted the very email I needed! Had I not taken the time to follow up, I would have completely missed this opportunity!

As busy as we are these days, it’s important to take the time to listen to Aunt Mildred, to slow down and be careful that we don’t miss a part of someone’s email or the entire communication! It actually takes much more work and time to fix an issue, especially if the issue that follows involves hurt feelings due to a misunderstanding.

The last issue I want to share with you is a request I received to contribute to an event a ministry was hosting. They must have found my website on some search engine and were emailing everyone asking for donations. When you own a business, this is not uncommon and Art of Eloquence often donates to worthy causes. However this request was different. You see they must have been in a hurry to send out all their emails. How do I know they didn’t take the time to even read through my website? They were asking for artwork! I am a busy entrepreneur with a ministry of her own so I am sympathetic to those who have a lot on their plate. However, many of the people they contacted may not understand and could very easily have taken offense.

First, when you own a business, you receive a great deal of requests to donate to various charities, events, and to individuals. I have had people email asking for free studies just because they couldn’t afford to buy them. Business owners are hard workers and some may feel they work for very little pay especially in an economy that doesn’t allow for the larger sales they used to have.

Now put yourself in the shoes of this business owner working harder to make a less lucrative income for his family when along comes Mary Ministry asking for free stuff. How inclined is he to give, even to a ministry, to someone who hasn’t even taken the time to read his website enough to know what he sells. Not only has Mary Ministry probably lost a donation, but her ministry has probably been tarnished in the eyes of this business owner. That’s a much more significant loss to Mary than just a prize donation! What’s worse is Mary will probably never know or have an opportunity to repair her ministry’s image in his mind. He’ll probably just delete the email, mutter to himself, and move on with his busy day.

Saying “I’m busy” these days is kind of like saying “I breathe.” Everyone is busy. Aunt Mildred is busy with her life too, but she took the time to pay attention to what Timmy wanted for his birthday and to call you and ask if it was alright with you to send it. Bob Business is busy, but if you were his customer, wouldn’t you feel slighted if he didn’t answer your inquiry? What if, instead of carefully answering your questions, he sent you a form email with answers to typical issues people have that didn’t happen to include yours?

We are busier these days than ever before, but if we don’t pay attention, we run the risk of paying an even bigger price for miscommunication later on…because there’s no “busy-ness” like slow business!

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: art supplies, broke, business, busy, communication, donations, Listening, listening skills, paying attention

Are We Just Too Broke to Pay Attention?

October 9, 2009 By JoJo

Are We Just Too Broke to Pay Attention?

The economy is down and, it appears, we are all just too broke to pay attention. In today’s microwave society people are always looking for ways to save time…but are we actually spending more time because of miscommunication? You know that old phrase, “Do it right the first time and you won’t have to spend time doing it again.” I think our nanoseconds would be better spent if we heeded this time honored time saver!

I don’t know about you, but I have had a tough time communicating lately. Folks are busy and they are trying to find short cuts for whatever they do. I can’t count the number of times I have sent an email to someone and had them reply asking for the very information that was still included in the original email which was attached underneath their reply! Ever seen one of these?

From: Sally
Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:49 PM
To: Mary
Subject: Re: Coffee on Friday?

Hi Mary,
What day and time?

Love,
Sally

>From: Mary
>Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:47 PM
>To: Sally
>Subject: Coffee on Friday?
>
>Dear Sally,
>How about coming over on Friday at 9am for some coffee?
>
>Love,
>Mary

Not only did Sally take extra time to send a reply to Mary asking for the very information Mary already gave her, but she has communicated to Mary that her email wasn’t worth her time to read properly in the first place. Additionally, it communicates to Mary that Sally doesn’t think Mary’s time is as valuable as hers. She is now requesting that Mary spend more of her time to answer a question she has already answered. Furthermore, it takes even more of Sally’s time to have to read through another one of Mary’s emails.

Ever hear your kids, with their face in the refrigerator, say something like this:

“Mom! Where’s the milk?”

What ensues is a time wasting discussion about the fact that they have looked and you know it’s in there. I usually end up going to the refrigerator and pointing directly in front of their nose which breaks the code illuminating the BIG WHITE PLASTIC CONTAINER.

“You have to look when you’re looking!”

Why was it necessary to demystify the existence of the milk I often wonder? Is it invisible to children? Sometimes what they are looking for isn’t right in front of their nose but just behind the milk. It never occurs to them to move the milk to look behind it. Oh no! That would take far too many nanoseconds! What results is a twenty minute “discussion” where they yell up from downstairs and you yell down from upstairs each arguing the merits of his case until you decide it would take far less time to run downstairs and point out the almost empty glass of chocolate milk!

Life’s busy in the 21st Century, but if we all take just a few moments to really read or listen to the other party, we might actually save ourselves a great deal of time and frustration. Read those emails carefully before you reply. Actively listen to the speaker before you respond. Move that milk carton just a smidge! You just might answer your own question…before you spend endless nanoseconds to ask it!

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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication studies for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com

Filed Under: Communication Articles Tagged With: Listening, pay attention, speech communication, Subscribe Here!, too broke

Friday Funnies: Silly Questions Lawyers Ask

Nine Ways to Listen

Brand New Speech & Debate Value Package

Sounds of Silence Week

Disagreeing in Grace Rules 1&2

There's No "Busy-ness" Like Slow Business!

Are We Just Too Broke to Pay Attention?

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