Mothers through the generations have told their children that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's sage advice and something that teaches us many lessons about how we should communicate with others. The following is from the introduction of my newest communication study, Say What You Mean for Moms, the first in a series of communication studies for parents which you may pre order today at a 30% discount!
Three of the most important lessons learned from mom's old saying:
1. We should strive for our communication to be grace-filled
2. We should think before we speak.
3. We should be purposeful in how we communicate...which brings me to a technique people have adopted of late that sounds good, but just flat isn't true. It's what I call The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication.
I was talking with a friend of mine about how so few people understand the incredible value of learning to communicate effectively when she made a comment that reminded me of something my mother taught me about cooking. She said, "there is a trend today of just 'putting it out there' and laying the responsibility on the listener to discern your meaning. And if you don't. . . well, doom on you!"
This illustration reminded me of the old spaghetti test to determine whether or not it was done. Mom told me that women used to throw spaghetti up against the wall to see if it would stick. If it did, it was done. I remember thinking that either way, you'd have a messy wall to clean up!
The same can be said of throwing our communication out there in order to see what sticks. I've seen so many popular memes on Facebook lately that tout the idea that you should say whatever you want and let the chips fall where they may. It may sound empowering, but it's a myth. It's not empowering at all.
The idea is to speak your mind and the "people who matter won't mind and the people who mind, don't matter." I wrote an entire article on this one false premise, but suffice it to say that those who matter may, indeed mind the way you put things and those who mind matter to God. If God had wanted us to say exactly what we wanted any old way we wanted to, why would He caution us about how we communication so many times in the Bible?
“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” -Colossians 4:6
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” -Ephesians 4:29
“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” -Matthew 15:11
“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.” -Proverbs 18:2
“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.” -Proverbs 18:19
Remember that when you throw your communication out there like spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks, you make a messy wall you may have to spend an entire lifetime cleaning up! Learning how to communicate effectively is preferable to becoming a chattering fool. Remember what Proverbs 10:8 says, “The wise in heart accepts commands, but the chattering fool comes to ruin.” Check out our most requested title, Say What You Mean for Moms and learn how to communicate effectively with your children so you aren't throwing spaghetti up on their wall.
Enter Our Monthly Drawing!
If you've read all the way through, I'd like to thank you! I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please leave a comment and please share the link with those you know. I will put the names of all those who comment with their own experiences and insights and who share this link into a drawing for a free gift or a gift certificate. Your choice. You have until the end of the month to do so before I draw a name. Please make sure to have your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you are our winner.
CONGRATULATIONS: Laura! You are the winner of our May Blog Contest!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JoJo's blog only comes out once a month. If you would like more information, tips and free gifts, please subscribe to our twice monthly newsletter.
The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication
Mothers through the generations have told their children that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's sage advice and something that teaches us many lessons about how we should communicate with others. The following is from the introduction of my newest communication study, Say What You Mean for Moms, the first in a series of communication studies for parents which you may pre order today at a 30% discount!
Three of the most important lessons learned from mom's old saying:
1. We should strive for our communication to be grace-filled
2. We should think before we speak.
3. We should be purposeful in how we communicate...which brings me to a technique people have adopted of late that sounds good, but just flat isn't true. It's what I call The Spaghetti Test Method of Communication.
I was talking with a friend of mine about how so few people understand the incredible value of learning to communicate effectively when she made a comment that reminded me of something my mother taught me about cooking. She said, "there is a trend today of just 'putting it out there' and laying the responsibility on the listener to discern your meaning. And if you don't. . . well, doom on you!"
This illustration reminded me of the old spaghetti test to determine whether or not it was done. Mom told me that women used to throw spaghetti up against the wall to see if it would stick. If it did, it was done. I remember thinking that either way, you'd have a messy wall to clean up!
The same can be said of throwing our communication out there in order to see what sticks. I've seen so many popular memes on Facebook lately that tout the idea that you should say whatever you want and let the chips fall where they may. It may sound empowering, but it's a myth. It's not empowering at all.
The idea is to speak your mind and the "people who matter won't mind and the people who mind, don't matter." I wrote an entire article on this one false premise, but suffice it to say that those who matter may, indeed mind the way you put things and those who mind matter to God. If God had wanted us to say exactly what we wanted any old way we wanted to, why would He caution us about how we communication so many times in the Bible?
“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” -Colossians 4:6
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” -Ephesians 4:29
“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” -Matthew 15:11
“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.” -Proverbs 18:2
“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel.” -Proverbs 18:19
Remember that when you throw your communication out there like spaghetti on a wall to see what sticks, you make a messy wall you may have to spend an entire lifetime cleaning up! Learning how to communicate effectively is preferable to becoming a chattering fool. Remember what Proverbs 10:8 says, “The wise in heart accepts commands, but the chattering fool comes to ruin.” Check out our most requested title, Say What You Mean for Moms and learn how to communicate effectively with your children so you aren't throwing spaghetti up on their wall.
Enter Our Monthly Drawing!
If you've read all the way through, I'd like to thank you! I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please leave a comment and please share the link with those you know. I will put the names of all those who comment with their own experiences and insights and who share this link into a drawing for a free gift or a gift certificate. Your choice. You have until the end of the month to do so before I draw a name. Please make sure to have your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you are our winner.
CONGRATULATIONS: Laura! You are the winner of our May Blog Contest!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
JoJo's blog only comes out once a month. If you would like more information, tips and free gifts, please subscribe to our twice monthly newsletter.
13 comments
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A lot of it has to do with the anonymity of cyber communication, in my opinion. So you said the wrong thing and hurt someone’s feelings? Tough! They’ll get over it. You’ve probably never met them face to face anyway, so. . . The problem is they may NOT get over it. That last verse about an offended brother is spot on. Oh, they may not say anything to you, but you will see their comments die off and pretty soon, you’re unfriended, as maybe you should be. The real problem I see is if this attitude spills over to your face-to-face communication, God forbid! Can you still just throw it to the wall when you’re looking someone in the eye? I know for a fact I’m more careful when I’m talking to someone in person; however, your article, JoJo, is an excellent reminder that we can’t just have something out there and hope for the best.
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All my kids are adults now (18+… not necessarily behavior!!!) but throughout their childhood and adolescence, there were frequent occasions when they would say something in the form of an observation that was hurtful to or about someone. When confronted, they would invariably say, “But it’s true!!!” To that, I would counter, “That may be so, but not all truths need to be spoken. Just because it’s true, does not mean you must feel compelled to remark upon it! Speak truth always, yes. But season it in a way that it is palatable.” I hoped and continue to hope, that if they do this, they will rarely offend the one to whom they speak.
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My Mama said the same thing that if I didn’t have anything nice to say just don’t say anything at all. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything. We can’t be salt and light if our communication is “thrown” to the wind. Great post!!
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You have missed the point of the article entirely.
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Whose idea was this, anyway? Go ahead and try it. You’ll find that, in addition to making a mess of your wall, the spaghetti will stick when it’s undercooked and overcooked as well as when it’s cooked just right, so you’ve proved nothing. The only sure way to know when pasta is done is to taste it, and what’s so hard about that? I mean, would you throw a spoonful of tomato sauce against the wall to see if it has enough salt? No, you would taste it, wouldn’t you? I swear some food myths must have been dreamed up by someone suffering from brain damage. Sheesh.